December 31, 2010

I'm kind of not looking forward to the new year because that would mean I'm even further away from my angel than ever. I know its over. I had an abortion at 8 weeks gestation because I do not have the money to raise a child right now. I am homeless, I do not have my own transportation, I do not make a lot of money at all, I help support my parents financially, and I would be selfish for bringing a child into the world right now. Brown has IRS issues, no money of his own, he lives with family members, his truck is broken and he just isn't ready to be a father yet. When I lay everything out like that, I know he and I made the correct choice. My heart just has to heal and realize that I will be blessed with other children in the future.
Brown came over two nights ago for oral sex and of course I agreed. I couldn't say no because I don't want to lose him and I guess he doesn't have anyone else, which is good for me, I guess. He didn't exactly come right out and ASK but would have been appreciative if I had offered, so I did. But I told him I needed something from him too. I needed him to look at our ultrasound picture and to hold me so I could sleep. He agreed. He came over looking all cute in blue and yellow and concerned that he looked like he peed himself b/c his beer spilled onto his pants. He had to swerve to avoid going into a ditch so I am glad he is ok. I reminded him that we already went through actual pee moments with each other-the night we first got together he ran into the bushes to pee and I peed on myself on my way to his apartment once, so we have already passed the pee test with one another. :)
Brown sat down and looked at the picture and said, "So this is my baby." He was quiet for a while and when I asked him if it was too much for him, he shook his head "no". Then I gave him what he came for and before he dozed off he extended an arm for me to cuddle against him. I did for a while but had to get up and pee. He saw how I was in pain and so I guess he felt bad and decided to cuddle with me longer. I spooned against him and slept really well. When he was leaving he gave me a great hug and said "see ya later" or "until next time"-whatever his standard exit is. I really hope that he and I can continue being intimate friends with one another because I can't handle not having him in my life. I don't know if our relationship is healthy or not but I do need him and I think he needs me as well. I don't hate him at all.
Now this I won't admit to him but I kind of want to get pregnant again as soon as possible. When I win the mega lottery tonight, I probably will! Money won't be an issue then! I don't like these doggone birth control pills they gave me and I'm getting mixed information about how long I have to wait before having sex again, plus the antibiotics might mess with the pill's effectiveness! I just don't know what to do. I have a feeling Brown and I are just going to go back to our regular ways but he might just surprise me and buy condoms, which neither of us like very much. I'll let whatever happens happen but I may have to quit these pills. I do know that if I were to get pregnant again, I wouldn't have another abortion. I just CANNOT go through that again!

Empty

I feel so empty. I slept well, but I went to sleep crying and I wake up crying. Physically, aside from a few sharp pains on my right side, I am doing surprisingly well, But my heart aches so badly that I just don't see how I'm going to continue on with my life. Part of me wants another baby RIGHT AWAY to make up for the one I ..... But I can't take care of a baby at this point in my life so I know better. I just want to die. I want Brown to call me and come over and comfort me but I know that isn't going to happen. Maybe one day I will be blessed with a wonderful husband and children but since I don't know when that will be, I'm not even going to think about it. I want to be with Brown but he doesn't want me I know so I just would be hurting myself even more. I do have a reason to call him on Friday since that is his birthday, but I wonder will he call me to see how I am? I miss him and I miss my child. I hope that God heals me because I don't see how I can continue to live like this-the pain is just too much to bear.

8 week 1 day angel

Despite all my tears, arguments and non-compliance, Brown and I terminated our pregnancy today. I didn't think they would have done it since I didn't speak with the doctor beforehand, but they did. I do have to say that everyone that was there was really nice and it was lovely to have a volunteer there to hold my hand and wipe my tears since Brown couldn't go into that room with me. I'm cramping and sad as hell. I did get an ultrasound picture copy so I could see my baby, but that just hurts me even worse. I really fucked up my emotional state with this. I should have never have allowed myself to get pregnant and think that Brown would want the baby. I was so damn delusional. So now I have this over my heart forever, not to mention the fact that he said that we weren't a couple-just fuck buddies. THAT cut me worse than the procedure itself!!! But I was the delusional one-but how does he justify having unprotected sex with someone for nearly four years and NOT have feelings for them??? I feel so used and shitty...And my little baby died because of me. I hope that God trusts me enough to bless me with other healthy children one day because if this was it then I don't have a reason to live anymore. My heart just hurts and my womb is empty...what the hell is wrong with me???

8 Weeks

Well, I believe I made my decision. I'm keeping my baby. I told Brown and he gently flipped out and got off the phone. I know we're broke and I know we have no support, but damn this is a LIFE!!!! I know it was wrong to wait until the last minute to tell him and for that I am sorry, but when he got to going on about how his plans in life weren't going to happen and what would I do if he wasn't around, it kinda ticked me off. He wasn't violently angry and he did apologize for sounding selfish but why is it always about him? He's had it easy with me for damn near four years and what about what I want? Don't I count for something??? And when I told him that if he wasn't around, I would survive, I don't think he liked the sound of that. But let's face it-I really don't picture him in the picture!!! I guess its my way of preserving myself from getting hurt again. In a perfect world I would love for us to be together and happily raise our child, but I don't kid myself. I don't know how all of this is going to work out, but I have to have faith and PRAY that it all works out. I just feel like shit, though... :(

7 Weeks

So I just made 7 weeks pregnant and the sickness has set in. I don't like it at all. I'm tired, scared, lonely and confused. I hate that I'm still living in this horrible motel and that I have no idea what is going to happen in 2011. Thankfully, Brown came over and we talked a lot. He makes a valid point about the fact that we just don't have the money, means or support to bring this child into the world. But every time I read about the abortion process, I break down crying. I just don't see how I'm going to go through with the procedure in about a week. It scares me shitless! I'm afraid of the pain and I'm afraid of how I'm going to feel afterward. I'm also afraid of any side effects I may have.
Although Brown was really sweet and tender and loving when we spent that evening together, I still hate to tell him that I just don't know how I'm going to do this. It isn't his body so he won't feel the loss like I will. He can move forward but I don't know if I will be able to. I love him so much and tragedy has always brought us closer, but I just don't want to have to tell him that I keep going back and forth on the issue.
Maybe something will happen to prevent us going to the abortion clinic. Maybe we won't have the money or maybe we won't have a way to get there or something. I don't know but I just have to have faith that God will make a way for this baby to come into the world and bless us with the means of taking care of it.

BFP

Oh wow! I have SO much to catch you up on! I slept with Papi on 11/24 and then found out that I'm pregnant by Brown on 11/30!!!! As you know, I have been trying and wanting to get pregnant with Brown's baby for the longest and it finally happened! I'm kind of mad because I was liking Papi and the sex with him was pretty good, and I wanted to explore that further. But now, I think we'll just remain friends. Brown has disappointed me b/c he says he is broke and cannot afford a baby. Logically, I know he's right and although I set up an appointment to terminate the pregnancy, I know I can't go thru with it. I haven't told him that yet and I'm sure he won't be happy. He kept apologizing but that's not what I want to hear. I want him to want this baby as much as I do, if not more. But he hasn't contacted me in a while so I am not going to contact him. I guess he needs time to get used to the idea that he got me pregnant. He asked me if I was on the pill when it happened and I lied and said that I was-no need to have him angry with me ;)
So hopefully Brown will contact me and we can talk and discuss things in person. I am not going to discuss this with my family until I talk more with Brown.
I can't believe he's behaving like this but I can't let it upset me or the baby.
Hopefully the blessing is on the way b/c we need it more now than ever!!

Alot has happend in a month...

So it's been nearly a month since I've written and a few things have changed. There is this Latino guy at work who I'll call Papi who has been flirting with me. Now he isn't the most handsome fellow but he does have a certain intriguing swagger about himself. He is about 11 years older than me and has got some issues, but who doesn't? I think the fact that I see this guy every day versus seeing Brown like once a month makes things harder. Part of me wants to see where this can go, but another part of me does not want to cheat on Brown, especially when I see him and he just blows me away with his looks. Not to mention the great sex, and the fact that I'm not on any birth control. But dang, I just don't know what to do. The thing is that I am happier with something to look forward to. My outlook on life is brighter and who knows why this guy was put into my life? At the very least, I will have made a new friend. I don't even know what the worst could be. Brown has no idea but as far as I am concerned, as long as I don't sleep with Papi during my ovulation time, I should be alright. Maybe I won't sleep with him at all-that would be best.
In other news, my dad is going to start working 20hrs at the local hardware store. It isn't alot of hours or money (he'll make less than me and my sister), but it will be a start. I'm glad that he has something to do because he needs it, and hopefully he'll become full time and get more money. It will help me and my sister out a bit. I sort of feel that the manifestation is near, and I pray that I am right. I can see the future and it is so bright-I just need God to get us to that point!

Back Online

It has been a while since I've written anything here because my laptop crashed and it took me a while to get it back in some type of decent working order. I wasn't about to write my deepest thoughts at work so I purchased a notebook and pen and I've been using that ever since. I won't worry about transcribing the notebook onto here-I feel the two should stand alone but complement each other if need be.
So, let me fill you in on what's been going on with me. No change really in the financial area of my life but hey, at least it isn't getting any worse. Work has its moments where I just want to curse everyone out and leave, but when I think about how easy the work actually is, I cannot complain. I just pray that it turns into a permanent position so I can return to school and get benefits.
There is this nice looking guy who I've been flirting with who works on the campus. He's older and Hispanic but has a sexy-ass smile and seems like he'd know what to do if we ever got to be alone. And at the time, I hadn't heard from Brown in a month so I was thinking of some serious adult things because I was in need. I would dress sexy and walk myself around just to get noticed-one day I even got an "OMG!" which made my day.
But in true Brown fashion, later that night (Thursday) he came by. I showed him what I wore and he loved it! Apparently, my weight gain is very sexy. Now that night with him was the shit! Lots of kissing and me riding him and him hollering out "I'm not ready to come in you yet!" for some reason. I still don't know what he meant by that but oh well. Little did he know that I'm ovulating so I had my own agenda. He had been talking so much about his nephew that I'm thinking he sees that he might want kids sooner than the age of 40. He'll be 35 at the end of the year so it isn't a big leap. I did catch some of his semen inside of me so I'm happy about that. And when he left, he said twice "I'll be back, I promise".
And he was right. He called me Saturday night/Sunday morning and brought his handsome self over. He was dressed up in blue and looked delicious! He had been drinking at a party but I am so honored that he wanted to be with me afterwards! Guess I mean more to him than those females that were checking him out, lol! So we fooled around and it wasn't as good as the other day, but we did hit on something: he was on top and we kissed and I told him I was coming and he said "come with me" and that was all I needed to hear and I believe he came all in side of me, all on his own. And then he stayed the night!!!! I was so damn happy! His phone played music practically the whole night until I turned it down but we had a good time. I would've gotten another round with him but his calf muscle was hurting him badly but hopefully he pushed inside deeper what was already there. I honestly think that Brown would not mind becoming a father at this point in life. I feel that he loves me in his own way, and he is estatic about being an uncle. And if he did ejaculate inside of me, it was by his own accord-I didn't do anything to force him. So whatever happens, happens. Now begins the two week wait.
I know my family is struggling financially and this is the worst of times, but in a way, we are ok. Sure we get stressed out but there is usually something we can find to smile about. If my dad gets that job he had a phone interview for, that would be a BIG help. Or perhaps we might finally win millions in the lottery. Whatever-I just feel that life is going to get better for us. If I am pregnant, I will have health insurance so that the baby and I can go to the doctor. Perhaps Brown and I will get a place of our own. I don't know but I do know life is going to get better-it just has to.

All these babies!!!

Well dang! Another friend is about to have a baby! I feel so left out! I want a baby with Brown so badly but yet again, he's never around when I'm ovulating, let alone does he ejaculate in me so it ain't gonna happen. I know its for the best because I don't know if I'm going to have a job past December and as of right now, I don't have a back up plan. Not to mention the fact that nothing has changed for my family yet concerning our financial situation. I know this is going to change but WHEN??? We need LOTS of money NOW!!! I like my job because it is easy, but being the house nigger makes me mad. But I don't want to lose this position without having something better to go to next. I just don't know what to do, think, or say anymore. And to top it all off, my laptop is messed up so who knows how much that is going to cost me to fix. So this life is getting pretty tiring and I want a new one now!

Say Aah!

For some strange reason, I'm really hyper and it isn't like anything has changed, at least not outwardly. Our situation is still the same but I guess my prayers have been working as far as asking for patience. And I've come to the conclusion that Brown and I should live together. He needs it and I need it so it makes perfect sense to me. Never mind all the other drama-I can't control that but this, well, maybe it will work. I don't know what to think about anything so I just think about stuff in my little fantasy world and keep that as my focus. Let's face it, what else do I have? So somehow, my family will arise out of this debt and lack, everyone will have the financial means to do what they want, and I can get to making my fantasies realities. With Brown or my celebrity man ;)

Update

Well, alot has happened since the last time I wrote. My sister celebrated her birthday at a bar and wanted to drive herself there but that didn't happen. I think she is so damn selfish at times due to the fact that she still does what she wants to do, regardless of the fact that everyone in the family is suffering. The car is in bad shape and I just pray that either we get a new one or I can fix that one before it stops running completely. She wants to take the bus now and she just might get her wish but that still doesn't solve the fact that we need transportation for things like the grocery store, library, and doing the laundry. I just don't know where her head is at times-I guess its stuck up her ass. Now my parents (well, mom really) never seem to have a problem hollering at me but when it comes to my sister, oh, well nothing gets said. I don't know why that is but damn if it doesn't need to stop. That is one reason why I'm glad I can afford my own room. Let's face it: even though we wouldn't all fit in that one room with all of our stuff, our adittudes wouldn't fit either. We would've went crazier than we already are. And I know my parents are looking for work but it sometimes seems like my mom just doesn't care and my dad-I don't know. He wants all these higher paying jobs in refineries but that hasn't worked out so far so I don't know why he just wont take a job with metro or something just to bring in a bit of extra income. Sometimes I just want to walk away from the three of them and not look back but then I feel so damn guilty it makes me sick. I just don't know how much longer my sister will continue to hold on and how much longer I can hold on.
You know I really want to be with Brown in our own home. But I don't know if that is ever going to happen, without me getting pregnant. I really want a life with Brown but I know it isn't fair to bring a child into our situation, especially by getting pregnant sneakily. But then sometimes I think Brown wouldn't mind a kid right now b/c lets face it-he doesn't wear a condom EVER, and he doesn't ask me if I'm on the pill any longer. And that time I told him I purchased a pregnancy test he didn't seem fazed at all. So I don't know what to think or do. I will just let nature take its course.
My friend from the daycare is hitting on me and I don't like it. Its not so much the fact that she's a girl, but its the fact that she's an UGLY girl! Dark, underarm hair, stretch marks-ugh! I don't want no part of that! But I do like her as a friend so I'll try to ignore the suggestive stuff as best I can.
So what I really want is to win the lotto or become a millionaire/billionaire/trillionaire so that my family can be taken care of financially forever and we can help others. Then we can live our lives to the fullness that they deserve. I miss LIVING!!!! Then I can either live out loud and maybe get my celebrity guy or settle down with Brown and start a family. I don't know why our lives are so difficult and stressful but I PRAY that it all ends in a positive way very, very, VERY soon because I am so close to losing my mind! I WANT TO BE SAVED!!! I WANT MY FAMILY TO BE SAVED!!!! I WANT US TO HOLD OUR HEADS UP HIGH AND BE ABLE TO HELP OTHERS!!! PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR CRIES, OUR PRAYERS, OUR PLEAS!!!!

Headaches & Heartbreaks

Well, I survived my first full week of work at the university and so far, so good. I enjoy the peace that comes with being on campus again, but I do miss the drama of the daycare, plus my friends there. I wish I could babysit the infants I cared for but without my own transportation, I know that won't happen. The family car needs so much work done on it, plus my mom's tickets need to be paid. Then there is the rooms and food and gas and just so much fucking stress that I don't know how I can get up in the mornings. I've been in a real funk lately-I guess its just too much on my shoulders. Brown just "comes" and leaves, which breaks my heart. I'm still going to try and get pregnant this week if I can because I just need something positive to look forward to, plus I want Brown. I know I'm being selfish but lets face it-the right way just doesn't work, so I gotta play the hand that was dealt to me. I hate this life, I truly do.

Friday the 13th!

Well, for me, this Friday the 13th was a good day. It was my 1st day at my new job at the University and I was SO DAMN HAPPY to get away from the daycare! Ironically, everyone was very supportive of my new job and for that I am thankful. I gave a few people my number but I truly hope they don't call me. The two people I was looking forward to telling off weren't there on my last day so I guess it wasn't meant for me to act ignorant.
So my first day of work at the new job was kind of hectic because the woman who is training me is going on vacation for two weeks and I am very nervous about holding things down while she's gone. I pray that God helps me to do well because I really want this job to turn into a permanet position for me. So far, I do get bored alot because there is alot of downtime and I'm too new to know what else I could be doing with my time. But it sure beats someone coming by saying stupid stuff about overtime to me!
I told Brown about my new job and I know he was happy for me but then again he was in a mood so that conversation didn't last too long. He did come by in the wee hours of the morning on Saturday and got his oral fix. I was so happy to see him but I really wish he could have stayed longer. He brought BJ too which was funny. I love Brown so much! I wish I could have him all to myself for 24hrs... maybe one day.
I am just happy for this positive event in my family's life. We needed this change and I pray that more positive things are coming our way soon.

Eight, Nine, Ten!

Well, I'm excited about Wednesday but nervous too. I miss my old life but realize that I've probably outgrown it. I miss having a home and my own transportation, but I am thankful to still have the family car and a roof over our heads. I want Brown and I to take the next step in our relationship, but I know that neither he nor I have the financial means to take care of ourselves, let alone each other or a family. I get nervous, excited, scared, angry, hurt, frustrated, pissed, tired, lonely, and depressed. Some days I have it all together and other days, I just want to bury my head under the covers. I NEED positive change and so does my family. I don't know how much longer we can hold on and I am SO tired of the emotional roller coaster this life of poverty and homelessness causes. I just want to scream sometimes. I know my problems are not as bad as others, but then again, they are huge problems nontheless. I just want it to end-positively. I don't even ask why anymore because I realize that there will be no answer. I just pray for strength and wisdom, patience, and integrity because that's all I know how to do at this point. I really don't want our lives to be in vain-this can't be the end for us, it just CANNOT end like this!

Office Manager??? Really?!

So just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. My mom got over $500 in tickets due to the tags being out on the car and not having insurance. I am just so sick of this shit! But then I got an email and found out that an office manager position is getting created in the same department my sister is leaving at the University and THEY WANT ME!!!! I am both confused and excited to the point of being sick to my stomach! If it all goes right Wednesday during the interview, I think I'll start this upcoming Monday, which means my last day at the daycare will be FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!! Which is what I wanted anyway. I didn't want to be caught in the new room and schedule changes and now it looks like I won't be! Plus, I'm tired of the snide comments about overtime and all that damn drama-if you don't want me making the overtime, then get another person in that room! The only thing I need to figure out is how I'm going to tell who I need to tell that I won't be returning. I haven't had any horrible interaction with the Boss Lady like others have, so I sort of feel I owe her some kind of forewarning, but not too much because I don't want them to get rid of me before I'm ready. Well, after Wednesday, I'm going to look for some kind of sign. Part of me wants to tell that old "coordinator" off but then again, I need to be the bigger person and hold my head up high. Oh well...something is telling me that whatever goes down, I'll know how to react when I see it. But I won't lie-I'm twitching with excitement!!!!!

Well, never mind...

So I was all worked up about that job at the University but it turns out that all my apprehension was for naught-I didn't even get the job. I should've known something was up due to the fact that all of our communication was via email, no HR rep was there, and no other person from that department met with me. It sounds like an inside job and I was just interviewed just to play a patsy. My sister says that I'm not missing anything by not being around those nutty people and I know she's right, but I'm tired of the daycare and I need more money for my family. I have NO DAMN IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!!! I am just tired. So if taking care of other folks kids is what I'm supposed to do, fine. I won't fight it any longer. I'll just end up being another over-educated poor person, and I'll probably be a welfare mom soon too so whatever. At least I ate two free Whataburgers today so I'll be fine.

Nervous, much?

Well, the job I had applied and interviewed for at the University has been taken down from their website. I feel that I have the job but I must be honest: I'm nervous. I want it because I am tired of the day care and I need more pay for my family, but it is a change into something new and I hope that I can do it. My mother and sister have faith in me but I will admit that having faith in myself is coming harder than expected. I am going to pray on it because I need strength. I don't know why I'm at this crossroad-there were jobs that I have applied to in the past that I felt I had but I didn't get as far in the process as I have with this one, so I don't see what the problem is. I think its because this job is an actuality and its more personal since these are people my sister has worked with and its at my alma mater. But its for the same reasons why I SHOULDN'T be nervous. I dunno...I do know my time at the day care is running out-I can feel it. I just hope and pray that I get the call from the school in enough time. I'm not even going to get into the fact that there won't be any extra spending money on this check, plus the fact that these student loans are starting to scare me...I'm just tired of trying to make something out of nothing
On a brighter note, Brown is being so good to me emotionally...he's been showing more affection when we're together: expressing concern about my safety, extra-long hugs, squeezing my hand, calling me sweetie, and not tripping when I said that I had purchased a pregnancy test. I really think that when things get better for us, he is going to want to move our relationship to the next level. I love him so much! I believe that after August, I'm going to get on some type of birth control because I want Brown to love and want me for me, and not because of a sense of obligation. And I don't want to be a burden to him-I want to be a helpmate. I hope he knows how much I care for him and how much I love having him being a part of my life.

Fancy, huh?

Well, I have good news. Both my sister and I have interviews this coming week. And these are REAL jobs. Mine is at the college and she got me in the door for that one, and her interview is a place I found but it turns out she went to school with the girl whose contact info was on the job announcement! So it looks like God has some positive changes in store for my family and I. I pray that we both get these positions and I truly feel that we will. My spirit feels more settled, not as nervous and frantic as it did for the other jobs I've interviewed for. And lets face it-I've always said I wanted to work at the college. That place has always been a constant for me for the past 10 years and it was the first place we went to after we got evicted a year ago so its almost like we're coming full circle. When we get these jobs, we'll be able to get both vehicles repaired, I can get another car, we can get our own place to stay and I can get my hair and nails done again on a regular, lol! Not to mention clothes and food. So I'm prayerful, thankful, and optimistic. And in my mind, I'm fancy, huh! :-D

Scratch you with my toenails

So I got 2o hours of overtime for this upcoming paycheck and I know we're gonna need it. I know that stuck in folks craw at work but what can they do? I'm just gonna ignore those who don't have any sense and who are trying to bring me down. You know I've got enough on me as it is. But to be honest, I am so tired of this job that I don't know what to do with myself. I love the babies but man I want to do something else more academically challenging and peaceful. I pray that it comes soon and very soon. I also want to get my hair done and get a pedicure, and go shopping. But I feel all of my check is going to keeping us afloat for another two weeks, which is ok but still...oh well. This is why I can't even get too angry with the drama at work. I just imagine scratching them with my toenails and then I just laugh it off. Something has got to give in a positive way for me and my family cause I just don't know how much more of this crap we can take.

Late

So, my period was five days late this go around, but it was probably due to the fact that I've been under alot of stress at work. I caught a two week break with the rooms but then that old thing at work had been snooping around trying to sabotage me when I'm clearly in the right. On one hand, it doesn't bother me at all. I clearly have other things more pressing going on in my personal life. But on the other hand, I want to tell that woman off just to get my point across and to let her know that I am not greedy nor ignorant. So I guess it was that reason why my period was late. But I just don't understand why all this drama has to happen to my family and I in the first place. Ah well...it never does any good to dwell on the "what ifs" so I wont even go there. I'll just enjoy my rest and my alcohol. I might be able to get a job on campus due to my sister and her networking skills. I truly hope I get it because that would be a big help to my family and then I can leave the daycare and all its drama behind. I just want to walk away from something for once by my own accord, and not be kicked out or have things taken away from me. I just want to have a voice in the direction my life is headed, for once. Happily, though, Brown and I are doing well. We talk and laugh together. I really feel that when things get better, he and I may take the next step in our relationship. So I guess I'll stop trying to get pregnant and start taking responsibility to ensure that it doesn't happen, although I feel that God is handling that even though I'm not on birth control. Its like Brown is never around during my fertile days and he never ejaculates in me. So I guess in a way I don't even have to worry. So now I just have to make sure no unexpected pregnancy occurs and that Brown and I can do things the right way, the way we really and truly want. At least we can try for something to go right in our lives. So in conclusion: do a good job at the job I have, pray for a better one to manifest itself immediately, and take care of my family and my relationship with Brown. And thank God for what we have.

Old farts!

Ok, so that old wrinkly thing that's my supervisor at work says I can't work 10 hours any longer. Logically, I know she's right but damn if that didn't make me mad! I know that old fart is just mad for the overtime I'm making but she doesn't know what I'm doing with the money, cause I don't go whining to her like those other crybabies do. But I guess we'll see what goes down. I guess boss lady wants to know what's up but that isn't my problem if folks aren't doing their job-I do mine and then some! So whatever, I know at least Wednesday I get some more over time. The other days, well, we'll see. I'm just tired of fools being in charge. But I need to keep myself going there until I get another job. On a more positive note, Brown and I are happy and close and that has me estatic! I just love that man! Anyway, I pray that God delivers my family immediately because this lifestyle is very stressful and tiring. Do you know its been a YEAR since we were evicted??? I can't believe it! I just hope that this year of pain and lack is over-we're all tired.

Alcohol

Man, I have to be honest. Alcohol is a heck of a drug. I got pizza, smirnoff, and two activity books with colored pencils. And three days ago Brown came by and did his thing, including some oral sex after I asked. So I'm feeling lovely. I can barely type this entry! Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to get by. Our church is paying for my parent's room for two weeks so that takes a load off of me for a bit. I may be able to get my hair done again. Its a two edged sword because we know that is the last of the assistance they're going to give us, plus they probably expect us to show up to a Mass. That is a lot of pressure for my family. I really hate being under someone else's thumb, but what can I do? I'm working as hard as I can at the daycare and trying to get overtime hours, and praying for a MUCH higher paying job. Or a winning lottery ticket in the high/upper millions. I don't know what is going to happen to my family, but I pray that positive changes occur VERY soon. Until then, I will continue to pray, and enjoy myself in the ways that I can.

4th of July

Well, I was going to bitch and moan about my 2nd year of lack regarding the 4th of July but then I got a call from Lowdown and that put a smile upon my face. Apparently, I am still loved and missed by people. I truly miss my life and I can't wait to get back to it. Ol Suga texted me as well but then that didn't go anywhere. So I know I was on his mind, which is kinda weird because I had a strange dream about him a few days ago. Weird...he is cute but if you ain't doing anything for me, then I can't do anything for you. Now Lowdown was saying some stuff and woo if I didn't think about having a little red baby for him!!! But I know I won't. I'm still hanging like a fool for Brown. I don't know what to say about him. I just pray for him. Now to be honest, I want me some Drake. I know, I know! He's a celebrity and there is like a one in a million chance that I would ever meet him, let alone have him fall in love with me, but I can't help myself! I figure it's just as plausable as winning the lottery, and you know I need that to happen! So anyway, I just keep daydreaming and praying that life will change for my family in a positive manner. I want to be unstoppable!!!!

Same song...

Ok, this won't be long. I just wanted to state that once again, we have to battle some force just to get something. This day, it was food stamps. WHY DO WE HAVE TO BATTLE AND FIGHT???? I am SO tired of it!!! I just want it to end. I'm tired of having this long, drawn out struggle. I don't understand it and I'm worn down. I can't take this any longer. What does God want from my family and I? I'm just tired. Plain old tired. Its not my place to figure out why. I just have to let it all go. It hurts too much to feel anything. I want a life where I can go out and enjoy friends and parties and just be my age, but I guess it isn't meant to be. I want my family to be able to do all the things they desire to do, but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. So I'll bust my butt at this dead-end job and hopefully be able to make enough money to keep a roof over our heads, gas in the one remaining car, and clean clothes. Life just isn't worth it any more. :(

Ya Blew It

Well, I don't know if I actually blew the interview or not but I will say that I don't feel very good about it. And even if I did, what's the use? I won't find out anything at the earliest until September. I don't even know what is happening to my family THIS WEEK, let alone in two months!!!! So I can't even let this get to me. Oh, and the church hasn't called us back about maybe helping us out again, so it looks like its up to me and my sister to pay this weeks' rent ourselves...sigh...I'm just so tired of never getting out of the barrel. And just when I get used to being in the barrel and keeping my head low, here comes something to bring my hope up and lift my head, but in the end, it doesn't come through and I feel even worse than before. And I'm tired of this emotional tug-of-war; it's why I didn't tell my dad about the interview. I don't want to get anyone else's hopes up along with mine-I don't want to be responsible for that. And I HATE how once again, I'm not having any type of summer! I want to go on vacations and party and enjoy the heat!!! But I guess I should just be happy to have shelter, clean clothes, a job, transportation, and food. Maybe next summer will be the summer of fun. Oh well, maybe one of the other jobs I applied for will hire me soon. Until then, I keep on keeping on and try to enjoy the good amidst the bad, and fantasize about a brighter future. God Bless.

EEEE!

Ok, so there isn't any surprise that I'm nervous, psyched, and resolute about my interview tomorrow. I researched all that I could research at this point and the rest is up to God. He'll provide me with the words and favor that will land me the position. And after six months, they should know that they want me by now! So I can't stress any longer about it. I just have to let God do His work from this point forward, as He will in all areas. Like He'll have to provide shelter for us and transportation. Well, I am excited and positive but I'm not telling my dad about this until I get confirmation that I actually have the job. And I have got to figure out what my body is doing with this nausea and discharge. Perhaps all of my dreams are falling into place after all??? Who knows but I'm gonna keep myself focused and give it all to God.

Wow Wow Wubbzy

Now you know God works in mysterious ways. So out of the blue, I get a call from a woman from SSA and after playing phone tag for two days or so, it turns out they want me to come and interview for a case technician position. I had turned in the info for that job WAY back in early December of 2009 and now its the middle of June 2010. But I'm not complaining. I truly hope and pray that this door is opened for me and my family. I hope that God knows that I can't take another blow, let alone my whole family, which is why I haven't mentioned it to my dad yet. And then I found a job for my sister and she actually took classes with the girl who is the contact for the job position. And get this: if we both get these jobs, the locations of the jobs are just five minutes from each other! How cool is that?! I truly feel that God is delivering us after a year of strife and struggle. I am so ready to walk in His light again. I even gave up looking at the stuff I was looking at online-my family is way more important. So I pray and I leave it all in His hands, because that's where it all begins and ends anyway.

Here we go again...

So once again, we're up against the wire. As it turns out, everything that our former SA rep told us was a lie. Everything. The only reason the SA has still been paying for my folks' room is because he has been out sick. So what are we going to do? Me, I'm going to pray, drink my tea, take my Benedryl, and go to sleep. At the worst, I guess my sister and I can pay for the rooms if we work together. Maybe SA can give us one more pity week since we were lied to or maybe our church can pay for another month or so...I realize that I cannot do everything, so I'm not going to try. I have a plan, but other than that, its in God's hands. I feel like this is the punishment for what I've been looking at online, and I am sorry. I hate that my family suffers so much, I really do. It just seems like it is never going to end. On one hand, I think its all over, but on the other hand, I feel like things are going to change for the positive very very soon. It's almost been a year since all of this has happened and I think and hope that God will restore us to the land of the living. But honestly, what do I know? I'm just too tired and weary to deal with all of this. I don't know what God is going to do but I will go to work and do my job although I want something better. I will do my best to be a kind and helpful daughter and sister, and I will enjoy the few pleasures I allow myself, including being with Brown. I don't know what to do so I will do what I've always done, and leave it all up to the Lord.

Still No Period...

Well, I still haven't gotten my period. Either its two weeks late or on time, depending on how you want to look at it. I did yet another pregnancy test and it came back negative, so no baby. Part of me is glad (I can drink my wine) but part of me is angry. I want a baby with Brown. I have a feeling that it is going to happen soon (of course it will-I'm not on any type of birth control) but in a way, I don't know how he's going to handle it. I hope he'll be happy and would want it, but I could be risking everything. I don't know...I'll just let whatever is going to happen,happen. And to be honest, he rarely, if ever, ejaculates inside of me so I don't know why I even bother worrying. All I need to do is just try to find another job because money is an issue. I know this feels wrong but its like in light of everything I've lost, I want a baby and Brown to give me some kind of purpose again. I want to live with Brown and go thru life with him. I can't help it-being around him makes me feel good and I know I do the same for him. But I can't leave my family hanging, that's for sure. I just pray that everything works out for the positive for everyone. I want my parents and my sister taken care of and happy, and I want to be happy as well. Sigh....

Sigh...

Although I no longer have my car and I refuse to pay to get that stuff out, and my dad's truck broke down, and we have to ride around in the family car with its bad tire, bad brakes, and expired stickers, even though we don't know whats going to happen to us one week from the next, and although I don't know whats going on at work, today I am content. I have a roof over my head today, I can rest. I have food to eat. I also have a man that I love that makes my body sing with pleasure, who I don't mind having a child by if it happens. I may miss parties and reunions but as I rest and relax, I find that these things don't really matter. I know that somehow, some way, my family and I will survive. We will have our homes, we will have our cars, and we will live the way we have always dreamed, and do the things we love. God will provide. I'm reworking my resume in the hopes of landing a better paying job. I'm taking care of my body so that if I do conceive a child with Brown, it will be as healthy as possible. And I take every opportunity I can to just rest. I can't let this life break me. I know I am here on this earth for a powerful reason and as long as I stay strong, it will be revealed. So now I go back and relax and enjoy the rest of my Saturday ;0

Me and my big mouth...

Well, I didn't have to worry about them running my car all around the weekend of my sister's graduation, seeing as though it was repossessed right before then. I feel like such a selfish dumbass...Now we're using my dad's truck and the family car and they both need work and correct tags on them. I just don't know what to do anymore...I pray that God makes a way because I cannot afford to get the necessary things as long as I have to pay for this extra motel room. I either need a better paying job or someone else to pay for the room. Now I don't know if and when we'll be getting an apartment if Salvation Army is in control, but I just hope they continue to pay for the main hotel room. I like having this room to myself and if we were to get an apartment, not only would I not have any privacy any longer, but I wouldn't have a car to leave in, but I might be able to save for one. I know that's me being selfish again and I'm sorry. I just can't help but think of the fun me and Brown have together in this room!
Speaking of Brown and fun, I'm not taking the Pill any longer and we've been going at it like rabbits in heat! I think I'm two days late with my period so I MIGHT be pregnant. Now if I am, I'll be due in Feb 2011. I hate odd years but I do like February. Now I know things may not go the way I want them to. Brown might get angry and want me to have an abortion, or he may not speak to me ever again-I could lose him. In light of everything else I've lost, losing him would hurt even more. But, if things go the way I would hope that they would, he would move me in with him and we would raise the child together. I just don't want him to feel trapped. I never want to hurt him, but I need a home and I do love him! And if he was dead set on not having a kid, he'd wear condoms! But he does pull out as soon has he can but we all know the pull-out method isn't 100% effective. Anyway, we'll see what happens. All I know now is that I have been feeling a bit weird lately, but that could be due to PMS. I had a fever for two days but took care of that with Thera-Flu. My nipples are now sore and my tummy is a bit queasy but I know I've had these symptoms before with PMS so I'm not going to take a test until I'm at least a week late from my period. I just wish that something will go my way for once, but when its all said and done, God's way is the way that will prevail. If he wants me and Brown to have a kid, He'll make it happen when its supposed to, with Brown being excited.

Graduation

Ok, so I am very excited about my sister graduating college. In light of all that we have lost, it is such a blessing to know that something went right. However, this now means that she's going to be in the hotel with us. This place isn't big enough to cuss a cat in so I'm going to rent another room. I just hope that the church will continue to pay for the primary room because I'm not sure if I can carry both rooms. And although I love my sister dearly, she does whine alot and I really don't want to hear that. I just hope that God blesses us with a home and lots of money because this is no way to live. I also pray that I get a better job and I don't lose this one that I have. So I'm going to try and not get pissy and instead pray whenever I get to feeling angry. And I won't lie to you-I don't want my car used all the time. I don't like being this way but then again, I can't let them get tickets. I want to get their car fixed so that the insurance and stickers can be updated. Anyway, I just can't wait until God delivers my family. I feel so trapped and crazy!
What I really want is for my family to be sufficient without me so that I can live with Brown and begin a new life with him. I don't even know if that's what he wants but if I don't have hope in that, then I don't have hope in much of anything. And I really don't want to trap him with a kid because he says he isn't ready and I don't want him talking to me about an abortion because I WONT do it! So I'm taking the pill although it does give me uncomfortable side effects. I've only missed one pill but I am still bleeding and I am angry about that. But what can I do but buy more tampons and pads? I have no control and have lost so much that if I knew for certain that I could do something right to have Brown as my own forever, I would do it. And all that I know to do is to not get pregnant until he says he is ready, even if he says he doesn't want kids until he's 40. But if things get better for us financially, I'm sure he'd be more amendable if a little "surprise" occured. I just don't know what to do sometimes so I just wear myself out and pray that there is more out there for me and my loved ones.

The Pill

Ok, so me and Brown are back right after the birthday fiasco. I mean, what else can I do-just not speak to him or see him? Hell No! Not when I don't have any other outlets and joy in my life! So I chose to deal and move on. Now, I've started the pill again and we had sex but it wasn't fruitful, if you get my drift. But now at work, three girls are pregnant and I admit, I feel left out. I don't want a kid born in an odd year but I do want kids. But Brown isn't ready, although his new nephew does put a smile on his face. I dunno...I guess I'll just continue on the pill until I run out and whatever happens, happens. I might just get accidentally pregnant one day and be happy but then again, maybe not. I just want a happy life with Brown. I want to see him everyday. I want to wake up next to him every morning and I want to go to bed with him every night. I don't think that's too much to ask. I dunno...I get all emotional when it comes to him and I don't always take his life and desires into consideration. But I hope that one day soon this part of my life will come to be. I do love him so much!

It's A Boy!!!

Well, Brown's nephew was born on my birthday around 7, 8 in the evening, so that is why he missed my birthday, or so he says. He got so excited that he dropped his phone in water and had to wait to get a replacement. Some of this makes logical sense, and some of it doesn't. So I have to decide whether or not I'm buying it. I guess I am letting him think that I am but come on! I could let this cloud our relationship but I won't. I'll just tuck this away with the other memories of times that he has ignored/forgotten/hurt me. One day, I'll have my say but I don't feel that day is here yet. And on that note, I started on the pill again. I just don't want a kid right now and neither does he. I am too angry (among other things) to want that in my life, and heaven knows it wouldn't be fair to the kid. I did ask him what would he want to do IF we accidentally got pregnant and he was all like "Is there something you want to tell me?!?" I told him no of course, but you know I didn't tell him that I hadn't been on the pill for 2 1/2 months. He said that back in the day, he might have been ok but now with things as raggedy for us as they are, he wasn't too sure about things. But I know I couldn't have an abortion, regardless of how sad my life is. An abortion would make my present AND future sad, but if I had the kid, I would at LEAST have the option of having hope in the future for my child. But now that I'm on the pill again, we wont ever have to make that decision. We'll have kids in six years. Now the question I want to have is when will we get married....

Another year older...

Well, as of April 30, 2010, I am now 28 years old. Brown and I were supposed to hook up but he never got in contact with me and then called me at 8am the next morning, knowing I wouldn't answer. I cried that night but strangely, I'm over it now. It hurt but I have so many other things that make me cry that Brown gets my tears no longer. And I got my period today, a few days early so no baby for us, and its probably for the best. I'm still debating about whether or not I'm gonna start back on the pill or not. I don't think I will because my body feels good not being on it. If I decide to get back with Brown, then I'll start taking the pill again. I've got to deal with other things, mainly making money. I can tell its time for me to move along from this job-too much jealousy from the old bitches. So far the younger crowd is ok, but I need to move on before things get worse. Hopefully, something will come around soon. Until then, I will smile and work overtime and do my job so that I can help my family. And I'll deal with Brown if and when I feel like it. Thank God for books and sleep!

A Move...

Well, on 4/23 we had to move to another motel. It was some drama about S.A. not being able to pay where we were and it all just turned out to be a bunch of drama. Once again, the only reliable source to help us out was our Church. So now were all the way out in West Oaks and I don't particularly like it but what can I do? The only good thing is that if we haven't moved by graduation, I can afford to get another room so at least I'd have some space. I just wish our living situation would get resolved.
I'm starting to tire of my job. I love the kids but I hate being the person who has to move around from room to room when we're short handed. I'm too dependable is the problem, yet certain individuals who do not show up to work still have a job and their same schedule. I think I'm doing a good job of keeping my emotions to myself because Lord knows I need this job. I am thankful for it. It paid for me to have my car stickers renewed, to get car insurance, to update my license, and to get my hair done (hallelujah!) I just pray for strength and for God to provide another opportunity for me.
In other good news, Brown and I have been seeing each other once a week since my last period and I hope we concieved. I think we'll have one more shot on my birthday just in case it didn't take last time. Speaking of last time, do you know we DID IT BEHIND A DUMPSTER!!!!!! We just got extra wild and it was SO much fun!!! If that didn't get us pregnant, I don't know what will. Hopefully, we'll succeed because if we didn't, I am going back on the pill in May, only because I don't want a baby born during 2011-an odd number year. You know how I feel about odd numbers. But whatever. We'll see what happens :)

A Ray of Light

Well, since I got this job at the day care, excuse me, child development center, I was able to finally get a lace front wig. It is nice, but I've got to learn to comb and care for it correctly. I was able to cut that year-old mess off of my head and actually had a headache afterward! I'm just thankful there wasn't anything ALIVE in there, besides alot of dirt! But I'm well on my way to looking nice for my birthday! I don't even know what I want to do but I'll do something! I had sex with Brown the other day and it was good, but I was dry and he didn't ejaculate so I don't believe anything will come of it. However, you never know and I still have a window of opportunity. I'm going to take care of the stickers on my car and buy an outfit or two and then I'm good. I hope I get that other job I want too! And we're going to be moving into an apartment within a month or so things are looking up.
I'm starting to think something is up with Brown b/c he seemed so sad on Thursday...he didn't even comment on what I was talking about, even the good news...I need to find out what was wrong and to see if I can make it better. Hopefully, we can see each other this upcoming week and the next. I love that man and I hate to see him hurting. We fell asleep together and he was holding on to my leg-it makes me think he wants me to sleep with him every night and I would LOVE that! I just wish I knew more of what was going on with him and what I can do about it...I think he needs me...

You know what I want?

You want to know what I want for my birthday this year? Well, to be honest, I want my family's life turned around for the better. I want us to to be rich Rich RICH! I want to get this other job at THI library and to get my lace front wig and to get a room away for the weekend. Those are my goals. God help me please! At least get me to work with the gas I have left. I know God is working on my family but it sometimes feels like were the crap going down the commode...I also want to get pregnant by Brown, hopefully with a baby boy but as long as the baby is healthy, I'll be happy. These are my hopes, dreams, wishes, and desires and I pray that they all come to fruition...

A Little Light

Well, well, well. I know its been a while since I've written but so far, we've gotten a lone star card, which means ALOT more food (woo-hoo!) and I got a job working full time at a daycare for $10 an hour. It isn't what I wanted, but I got it and I do like it there. My co-workers are cool and the babies are babies, and as long as I can deal with the babies primarily, I'm a happy camper. So I was able to get car insurance but I still have to get my tags together, so I'm riding on a prayer until the next payday. I thank God for this opportunity! Now (and don't tell anyone) I'm trying to get pregnant. I want a baby with Brown so that I can move in with him. I don't want to abandon my family but lets face it-Sis will be graduating soon and I'm tired of hearing Sniffy and Snorty make noise. This one room just isn't big enough. And personally, I don't want to be caught paying on this crap. I'd rather get a crappy apartment-it would be cheaper! But I'm trying to get pregnant THIS MONTH so that the baby would be born around Brown's birthday. I just need him to bring his sperm on! Ugh! You'd think with all the sex we've had in the past that this wouldn't be a problem but now it is. I know I'm being selfish but really, he'd be happy. Plus, I think he needs something to steer him in the right direction. He has a house we could stay in! Plus, he's gonna be an uncle soon and who wouldn't want to have a kid of their own to grow up with their cousin? And heaven knows our kid would be GORGEOUS!!! So I'm off the Pill, trying to track my ovulation, and get this man to do his part!!! We'd be happy together, I know we will...but I do realize that if this doesn't happen, it wasn't meant to be at this time. I realize that I dont' control things but I'm not above trying!!!

Still no change...

I know its been nearly a month since I've written but to be honest, not much has changed. I had two job interviews and didn't get either one. My car needs updated tags this month, the student loan people are calling me, and I'm just about ready to lose my mind. The only thing I have to look forward to is the occasional rendeveau with Brown but he doesn't know that I'm not on the pill at the moment. I'm gonna get back on it, but I have to wait until after my cycle to go and get another exam. But part of me wants a baby b/c I just want out of this situation. I'm sick of this room! I'm happy to have shelter but I just want some positive changes for my family. I AM SO TIRED OF THIS!!!!!

Scared Shitless Again

Well, its happening again. We have to leave the room and we don't have any money or anywhere to go. I am so SICK of this I just don't know what to do with myself. I just want God to save my family from all of this pain. Why are we broke and homeless???? WHY???? WHAT DID WE DO WRONG???? WHAT ARE WE DOING TO DESERVE THIS??? Ironcilly, I had two job interviews this week, but how can I work if I don't have food, gas, or a roof over my head? I'd also be worried about my parents and if I smelled. Don't give me wrong, I am THANKFUL for the interviews and I PRAY that God blesses me with one. I just can't imagine working under these conditions that I see before me. I know God works in mysterious ways: He put Fly Boy back in contact with me and he sent $100, which helped a tiny bit. But as usual, he wants more than just friendship but that's not what I want with him. And I prayed for some time with Brown and I got it, AND got the best sex of all time! WOOO! But I digress. The point is, I see God working in my life in many ways, and I'm trying to keep that in mind. I just need God to step in and show out. I am just so so so scared, and I'm tired of it. I pray that saving and being my family's salvation is in His will...

Warm, fuzzy feeling...

Well, God stepped in and saved us from being homeless. Our priest and church business manager paid for us to stay here another 28 days. It was a mighty battle that I don't even feel like recounting here, but it did cause alot of drama and stress. I kept my cool, though. I told Brown and we talked for a while. It was a good conversation. I truly feel that all this family drama and tragedy we're experiencing is bringing the two of us closer. I know talk is cheap but his words do make me happy. I see us together for the long haul. I'm really going to try my best to only be with him intimately. He's always held my heart, but I need to do right physically. I honestly love him and I can't wait until we're in a position to take our relationship to the next level. But it will happen in due time.
Now that we have shelter for a while longer, I truly hope to get that job I really want. I need to be working but like everything, it has to be in God's will.
Another thing that's bothering me is the return of Suga. I think he's a handsome guy but I don't want to have sex with him again. My heart isn't in it and neither is my mind. He's so sweet though! And maybe he could help me with a few dollars...but I really don't want to use him or hurt him. I don't know.
Everyday I pray that our situation changes for the better. I hope that God continues to listen and help my family

So So Scared...

Ok, in a few hours I'll know whether or not we can stay in this motel longer. We only have around $25 dollars and no other source of income has presented itself yet. That means no gas, no laundry, no food, and most importantly, no shelter. I don't think I'll lose my mind if we have to leave, but emotionally, I just can't take another eviction. I don't know what my family has done wrong. We are by no means perfect but what did we do to deserve this fate? Just when I feel that we're going to be ok, something tells me to look at when we had our apartments-I felt we weren't going to be evicted but we were. And what did the Haitians do to deserve that horrible earthquake? Nothing, yet innocent people have died and the death toll will only rise. So with things like that swimming in my head, what else can I believe except that we're going to be hungry, and dirty, and sleeping in our cars???? I have one tiny bright spot, well, two actually. My sister is ok back on campus so at least we don't have to worry about her physically. Brown and I are on a good level, each knowing that the other is dealing with difficult family situations. These thoughts keep me going, but honestly, what is God doing? We need Him in such a powerful and awesome way that I don't have the words to accurately express it. Mama always says we'll be ok, and we are, if I must be honest. We've always had food, shelter, and were able to clean and wash. And she's usually right about things, major things. And when she makes up her mind to do something, it usually works out in our favor, so I PRAY that this is also one of those times. I still want us to be financially independent, with homes and cars and enough money to live well for the rest of our lives and to be a blessing to others. But right now, I'd settle for knowing that we can stay in this motel room, have food and gas money, and be able to wash clothes. If I were to get a job, I have no problem wearing the same clothes until I got paid, just as long as my family and I have a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. I truly hope God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit hears my family's pleas and delivers us. GOD WE NEED YOU NOW!!!! WE ARE YOUR CHILDREN!!! DO NOT FORSAKE US, BUT ALLOW US TO LIVE AS CHILDREN OF KINGS SHOULD LIVE!!! WE WORSHIP YOU, WE GIVE YOU PRAISE!!!!! AMEN!!!!

I feel like shit...

I wish my first entry of 2010 was filled with good news, but unfortunately, that isn't the case. Our situation is still the same. We only have enough money to stay here until Jan 18th. I just don't understand why God hasn't stepped in and saved us. I read something great in a book. The main character said that when people say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" that's just a bunch of shit to make the other person feel better so that your situation doesn't mess up their pretty little lives. AND THAT IS SO TRUE!!! I'm tired of all that trite crap. I want big money and deliverance NOW! I'm just tired of worrying and not having a clear idea of what's going to happen next. This cosmic joke called life just isn't funny. My reserve is all tapped out so I'm just going to shut up and deal with it. I'm going to enjoy the internet and library books for as long as I can and then whatever happens, happens.