All these babies!!!

Well dang! Another friend is about to have a baby! I feel so left out! I want a baby with Brown so badly but yet again, he's never around when I'm ovulating, let alone does he ejaculate in me so it ain't gonna happen. I know its for the best because I don't know if I'm going to have a job past December and as of right now, I don't have a back up plan. Not to mention the fact that nothing has changed for my family yet concerning our financial situation. I know this is going to change but WHEN??? We need LOTS of money NOW!!! I like my job because it is easy, but being the house nigger makes me mad. But I don't want to lose this position without having something better to go to next. I just don't know what to do, think, or say anymore. And to top it all off, my laptop is messed up so who knows how much that is going to cost me to fix. So this life is getting pretty tiring and I want a new one now!

Say Aah!

For some strange reason, I'm really hyper and it isn't like anything has changed, at least not outwardly. Our situation is still the same but I guess my prayers have been working as far as asking for patience. And I've come to the conclusion that Brown and I should live together. He needs it and I need it so it makes perfect sense to me. Never mind all the other drama-I can't control that but this, well, maybe it will work. I don't know what to think about anything so I just think about stuff in my little fantasy world and keep that as my focus. Let's face it, what else do I have? So somehow, my family will arise out of this debt and lack, everyone will have the financial means to do what they want, and I can get to making my fantasies realities. With Brown or my celebrity man ;)

Update

Well, alot has happened since the last time I wrote. My sister celebrated her birthday at a bar and wanted to drive herself there but that didn't happen. I think she is so damn selfish at times due to the fact that she still does what she wants to do, regardless of the fact that everyone in the family is suffering. The car is in bad shape and I just pray that either we get a new one or I can fix that one before it stops running completely. She wants to take the bus now and she just might get her wish but that still doesn't solve the fact that we need transportation for things like the grocery store, library, and doing the laundry. I just don't know where her head is at times-I guess its stuck up her ass. Now my parents (well, mom really) never seem to have a problem hollering at me but when it comes to my sister, oh, well nothing gets said. I don't know why that is but damn if it doesn't need to stop. That is one reason why I'm glad I can afford my own room. Let's face it: even though we wouldn't all fit in that one room with all of our stuff, our adittudes wouldn't fit either. We would've went crazier than we already are. And I know my parents are looking for work but it sometimes seems like my mom just doesn't care and my dad-I don't know. He wants all these higher paying jobs in refineries but that hasn't worked out so far so I don't know why he just wont take a job with metro or something just to bring in a bit of extra income. Sometimes I just want to walk away from the three of them and not look back but then I feel so damn guilty it makes me sick. I just don't know how much longer my sister will continue to hold on and how much longer I can hold on.
You know I really want to be with Brown in our own home. But I don't know if that is ever going to happen, without me getting pregnant. I really want a life with Brown but I know it isn't fair to bring a child into our situation, especially by getting pregnant sneakily. But then sometimes I think Brown wouldn't mind a kid right now b/c lets face it-he doesn't wear a condom EVER, and he doesn't ask me if I'm on the pill any longer. And that time I told him I purchased a pregnancy test he didn't seem fazed at all. So I don't know what to think or do. I will just let nature take its course.
My friend from the daycare is hitting on me and I don't like it. Its not so much the fact that she's a girl, but its the fact that she's an UGLY girl! Dark, underarm hair, stretch marks-ugh! I don't want no part of that! But I do like her as a friend so I'll try to ignore the suggestive stuff as best I can.
So what I really want is to win the lotto or become a millionaire/billionaire/trillionaire so that my family can be taken care of financially forever and we can help others. Then we can live our lives to the fullness that they deserve. I miss LIVING!!!! Then I can either live out loud and maybe get my celebrity guy or settle down with Brown and start a family. I don't know why our lives are so difficult and stressful but I PRAY that it all ends in a positive way very, very, VERY soon because I am so close to losing my mind! I WANT TO BE SAVED!!! I WANT MY FAMILY TO BE SAVED!!!! I WANT US TO HOLD OUR HEADS UP HIGH AND BE ABLE TO HELP OTHERS!!! PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR CRIES, OUR PRAYERS, OUR PLEAS!!!!