Married Bastard

So now I know why Brown never did right by me-he's married. Yup, I just found out. That's the internet for you-it is a bitch. I don't even know what to say or think. I thought I was it but I guess not. Now I know I can move on. My soul hurts, my child is dead but now I know. God gave me the closure I wanted and I can't ask for more than that. Now I just ask for the strength to find my own happiness.

End of the month...

So here it is, the end of January. On one hand, I feel a bit stronger-I know I had my abortion for the right reasons but there is a part of me that misses my baby and wants another one badly. I miss Brown as well. He hasn't contacted me at all and I just don't know what to think. I know I should move on and I will, but I still want him. I pray that I have the strength to deal with my emotions but it is hard. I need closure because I don't know if he just doesn't want me period, or if he is going through one of his spells where he doesn't want to be bothered. I have a feeling that once I get him out of my system, that will be when he shows up again. But if he does, I'm going to have to let him know that I can't be used like I have been any longer. He has to either care for me or leave me alone. I'm just tired of mourning my baby and him. It isn't fair. And now I find myself buying things to make me feel better. This isn't healthy but what can I do? And should I get online and meet guys? It just doesn't feel right. Do I go out with other guys? That doesn't feel completely right either. I'm going to try and wait to be celibate until I meet someone special-its high time for me to try that road for once. And I know if Brown shows up again I'm going to sleep with him, but I haven't made up my mind if I'm going back on the pill again or not. What's the point if I'm not sexually active? But then again, who knows when that moment could happen and I know I can't have a child right now, even thought that's what I want. But if I can have Brown back, I will take the pill again.

Still feeling empty...

So its right at four weeks since my abortion, and I still feel empty. I have moments where I feel ok or I don't think about it at all, but then other times it hits me and knocks me down. I would be 12weeks today if I had kept my baby. I miss him so much its like my heart got ripped out too. I just can't help but imagine him crawling around and saying "Mama" and I just know he would have been beautiful, with a round face, dark hair, slanted eyes, and a fat chubby body. I know this wasn't the right time to bring a child into the world and I know I shouldn't want another one, but I do. Its like I know I won't be complete until I get pregnant again. I want to hold my child on my chest as I pat his little back. I want to feel his love as I give him mine. That seems to be my biggest problem-I have no outlet for my emotions, including all this love I have for my child. If Brown would have just been more comforting, it would help but I now know that he just doesn't care. And I know it is wrong, but if I had the chance, I would sleep with him again and get pregnant again and keep my child. I wouldn't even tell him. But when I think about how that would make the child feel, I reconsider my motive. A child should be loved and wanted by both parents, and if Brown doesn't want me, how can I expect him to want my child? I have a fantasy about meeting the perfect guy but who knows how long that would take? Not to mention the absolute mess my life is right now. It just doesn't make any damn sense to be this destitute, sad and lonely. I don't have anything and I'm tired of it. I want a home, a car, money, insurance, my degree, a great man, and babies. Why doesn't God give me the simple things? Fuck my life. I'm just so tired of it all that I don't know how to continue. I feel like used shit.

1st week back

So I survived my first week back to work but barely. The mornings were especially hard and it was hell when people asked how my holiday was. What am I supposed to say, "Oh I got an abortion for Christmas"? The whole ordeal was so damn stressful that it makes me sick. I finally stopped bleeding which is a big step in the right direction. Still haven't heard from Brown. I hate that I love him so deeply but he doesn't feel the same way about me. I know I should just move on but I can't. I need him. I miss my child and I can't stand mourning both of them at the same time. Part of me wants to get pregnant again by him right away while another part of me knows I should wait until I finish with school. I am so mixed up right now that the only thing that sounds good is benadryl and alcohol. I just want all this pain to end. I'm tired of being homeless, carless, poor and sad. I deserve some form of happiness in my life and I just don't understand why I don't have that. I am glad that I got a raise and am benefit eligible at work (although I won't get them until like July or something) but damn I still have to take care of my family. My mom says its time for us to move into a furnished apartment but I know I don't want to live with my family again. I just don't think I'm emotionally ready. I know the last time I was this selfish I lost my car so I hope nothing like that happens again. I just want to buy a car and get my own place so I can be alone with my pain. I know I don't need a child right now. I just need to heal. But I am so fucking TIRED of being sad about my life!!!! I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of being alone.

Wanting another...

I know this sounds selfish and childish but I want another child. I miss my little angel terribly and although I know this would be the worst thing at the moment, I want to be pregnant again. I miss having a little bean inside of me to talk to and think about. I know I'm homeless and would have no support but I really want to be a mother. I haven't decided whether or not to stop taking that pill yet. And I don't even know if Brown will want to be intimate with me again! I wonder if he feels guilty about the abortion...I hope he does. Nothing is going to fill the hole in my heart but another child. I am so sorry for what I have done. I want a baby in October or November of this year. I have no idea what God wants me to do. I don't even know if I should pray because it doesn't seem like my prayers ever get heard or answered. I just want peace.