Same song...

Ok, this won't be long. I just wanted to state that once again, we have to battle some force just to get something. This day, it was food stamps. WHY DO WE HAVE TO BATTLE AND FIGHT???? I am SO tired of it!!! I just want it to end. I'm tired of having this long, drawn out struggle. I don't understand it and I'm worn down. I can't take this any longer. What does God want from my family and I? I'm just tired. Plain old tired. Its not my place to figure out why. I just have to let it all go. It hurts too much to feel anything. I want a life where I can go out and enjoy friends and parties and just be my age, but I guess it isn't meant to be. I want my family to be able to do all the things they desire to do, but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. So I'll bust my butt at this dead-end job and hopefully be able to make enough money to keep a roof over our heads, gas in the one remaining car, and clean clothes. Life just isn't worth it any more. :(

Ya Blew It

Well, I don't know if I actually blew the interview or not but I will say that I don't feel very good about it. And even if I did, what's the use? I won't find out anything at the earliest until September. I don't even know what is happening to my family THIS WEEK, let alone in two months!!!! So I can't even let this get to me. Oh, and the church hasn't called us back about maybe helping us out again, so it looks like its up to me and my sister to pay this weeks' rent ourselves...sigh...I'm just so tired of never getting out of the barrel. And just when I get used to being in the barrel and keeping my head low, here comes something to bring my hope up and lift my head, but in the end, it doesn't come through and I feel even worse than before. And I'm tired of this emotional tug-of-war; it's why I didn't tell my dad about the interview. I don't want to get anyone else's hopes up along with mine-I don't want to be responsible for that. And I HATE how once again, I'm not having any type of summer! I want to go on vacations and party and enjoy the heat!!! But I guess I should just be happy to have shelter, clean clothes, a job, transportation, and food. Maybe next summer will be the summer of fun. Oh well, maybe one of the other jobs I applied for will hire me soon. Until then, I keep on keeping on and try to enjoy the good amidst the bad, and fantasize about a brighter future. God Bless.

EEEE!

Ok, so there isn't any surprise that I'm nervous, psyched, and resolute about my interview tomorrow. I researched all that I could research at this point and the rest is up to God. He'll provide me with the words and favor that will land me the position. And after six months, they should know that they want me by now! So I can't stress any longer about it. I just have to let God do His work from this point forward, as He will in all areas. Like He'll have to provide shelter for us and transportation. Well, I am excited and positive but I'm not telling my dad about this until I get confirmation that I actually have the job. And I have got to figure out what my body is doing with this nausea and discharge. Perhaps all of my dreams are falling into place after all??? Who knows but I'm gonna keep myself focused and give it all to God.

Wow Wow Wubbzy

Now you know God works in mysterious ways. So out of the blue, I get a call from a woman from SSA and after playing phone tag for two days or so, it turns out they want me to come and interview for a case technician position. I had turned in the info for that job WAY back in early December of 2009 and now its the middle of June 2010. But I'm not complaining. I truly hope and pray that this door is opened for me and my family. I hope that God knows that I can't take another blow, let alone my whole family, which is why I haven't mentioned it to my dad yet. And then I found a job for my sister and she actually took classes with the girl who is the contact for the job position. And get this: if we both get these jobs, the locations of the jobs are just five minutes from each other! How cool is that?! I truly feel that God is delivering us after a year of strife and struggle. I am so ready to walk in His light again. I even gave up looking at the stuff I was looking at online-my family is way more important. So I pray and I leave it all in His hands, because that's where it all begins and ends anyway.

Here we go again...

So once again, we're up against the wire. As it turns out, everything that our former SA rep told us was a lie. Everything. The only reason the SA has still been paying for my folks' room is because he has been out sick. So what are we going to do? Me, I'm going to pray, drink my tea, take my Benedryl, and go to sleep. At the worst, I guess my sister and I can pay for the rooms if we work together. Maybe SA can give us one more pity week since we were lied to or maybe our church can pay for another month or so...I realize that I cannot do everything, so I'm not going to try. I have a plan, but other than that, its in God's hands. I feel like this is the punishment for what I've been looking at online, and I am sorry. I hate that my family suffers so much, I really do. It just seems like it is never going to end. On one hand, I think its all over, but on the other hand, I feel like things are going to change for the positive very very soon. It's almost been a year since all of this has happened and I think and hope that God will restore us to the land of the living. But honestly, what do I know? I'm just too tired and weary to deal with all of this. I don't know what God is going to do but I will go to work and do my job although I want something better. I will do my best to be a kind and helpful daughter and sister, and I will enjoy the few pleasures I allow myself, including being with Brown. I don't know what to do so I will do what I've always done, and leave it all up to the Lord.

Still No Period...

Well, I still haven't gotten my period. Either its two weeks late or on time, depending on how you want to look at it. I did yet another pregnancy test and it came back negative, so no baby. Part of me is glad (I can drink my wine) but part of me is angry. I want a baby with Brown. I have a feeling that it is going to happen soon (of course it will-I'm not on any type of birth control) but in a way, I don't know how he's going to handle it. I hope he'll be happy and would want it, but I could be risking everything. I don't know...I'll just let whatever is going to happen,happen. And to be honest, he rarely, if ever, ejaculates inside of me so I don't know why I even bother worrying. All I need to do is just try to find another job because money is an issue. I know this feels wrong but its like in light of everything I've lost, I want a baby and Brown to give me some kind of purpose again. I want to live with Brown and go thru life with him. I can't help it-being around him makes me feel good and I know I do the same for him. But I can't leave my family hanging, that's for sure. I just pray that everything works out for the positive for everyone. I want my parents and my sister taken care of and happy, and I want to be happy as well. Sigh....

Sigh...

Although I no longer have my car and I refuse to pay to get that stuff out, and my dad's truck broke down, and we have to ride around in the family car with its bad tire, bad brakes, and expired stickers, even though we don't know whats going to happen to us one week from the next, and although I don't know whats going on at work, today I am content. I have a roof over my head today, I can rest. I have food to eat. I also have a man that I love that makes my body sing with pleasure, who I don't mind having a child by if it happens. I may miss parties and reunions but as I rest and relax, I find that these things don't really matter. I know that somehow, some way, my family and I will survive. We will have our homes, we will have our cars, and we will live the way we have always dreamed, and do the things we love. God will provide. I'm reworking my resume in the hopes of landing a better paying job. I'm taking care of my body so that if I do conceive a child with Brown, it will be as healthy as possible. And I take every opportunity I can to just rest. I can't let this life break me. I know I am here on this earth for a powerful reason and as long as I stay strong, it will be revealed. So now I go back and relax and enjoy the rest of my Saturday ;0