December 31, 2010

I'm kind of not looking forward to the new year because that would mean I'm even further away from my angel than ever. I know its over. I had an abortion at 8 weeks gestation because I do not have the money to raise a child right now. I am homeless, I do not have my own transportation, I do not make a lot of money at all, I help support my parents financially, and I would be selfish for bringing a child into the world right now. Brown has IRS issues, no money of his own, he lives with family members, his truck is broken and he just isn't ready to be a father yet. When I lay everything out like that, I know he and I made the correct choice. My heart just has to heal and realize that I will be blessed with other children in the future.
Brown came over two nights ago for oral sex and of course I agreed. I couldn't say no because I don't want to lose him and I guess he doesn't have anyone else, which is good for me, I guess. He didn't exactly come right out and ASK but would have been appreciative if I had offered, so I did. But I told him I needed something from him too. I needed him to look at our ultrasound picture and to hold me so I could sleep. He agreed. He came over looking all cute in blue and yellow and concerned that he looked like he peed himself b/c his beer spilled onto his pants. He had to swerve to avoid going into a ditch so I am glad he is ok. I reminded him that we already went through actual pee moments with each other-the night we first got together he ran into the bushes to pee and I peed on myself on my way to his apartment once, so we have already passed the pee test with one another. :)
Brown sat down and looked at the picture and said, "So this is my baby." He was quiet for a while and when I asked him if it was too much for him, he shook his head "no". Then I gave him what he came for and before he dozed off he extended an arm for me to cuddle against him. I did for a while but had to get up and pee. He saw how I was in pain and so I guess he felt bad and decided to cuddle with me longer. I spooned against him and slept really well. When he was leaving he gave me a great hug and said "see ya later" or "until next time"-whatever his standard exit is. I really hope that he and I can continue being intimate friends with one another because I can't handle not having him in my life. I don't know if our relationship is healthy or not but I do need him and I think he needs me as well. I don't hate him at all.
Now this I won't admit to him but I kind of want to get pregnant again as soon as possible. When I win the mega lottery tonight, I probably will! Money won't be an issue then! I don't like these doggone birth control pills they gave me and I'm getting mixed information about how long I have to wait before having sex again, plus the antibiotics might mess with the pill's effectiveness! I just don't know what to do. I have a feeling Brown and I are just going to go back to our regular ways but he might just surprise me and buy condoms, which neither of us like very much. I'll let whatever happens happen but I may have to quit these pills. I do know that if I were to get pregnant again, I wouldn't have another abortion. I just CANNOT go through that again!