December 31, 2010

I'm kind of not looking forward to the new year because that would mean I'm even further away from my angel than ever. I know its over. I had an abortion at 8 weeks gestation because I do not have the money to raise a child right now. I am homeless, I do not have my own transportation, I do not make a lot of money at all, I help support my parents financially, and I would be selfish for bringing a child into the world right now. Brown has IRS issues, no money of his own, he lives with family members, his truck is broken and he just isn't ready to be a father yet. When I lay everything out like that, I know he and I made the correct choice. My heart just has to heal and realize that I will be blessed with other children in the future.
Brown came over two nights ago for oral sex and of course I agreed. I couldn't say no because I don't want to lose him and I guess he doesn't have anyone else, which is good for me, I guess. He didn't exactly come right out and ASK but would have been appreciative if I had offered, so I did. But I told him I needed something from him too. I needed him to look at our ultrasound picture and to hold me so I could sleep. He agreed. He came over looking all cute in blue and yellow and concerned that he looked like he peed himself b/c his beer spilled onto his pants. He had to swerve to avoid going into a ditch so I am glad he is ok. I reminded him that we already went through actual pee moments with each other-the night we first got together he ran into the bushes to pee and I peed on myself on my way to his apartment once, so we have already passed the pee test with one another. :)
Brown sat down and looked at the picture and said, "So this is my baby." He was quiet for a while and when I asked him if it was too much for him, he shook his head "no". Then I gave him what he came for and before he dozed off he extended an arm for me to cuddle against him. I did for a while but had to get up and pee. He saw how I was in pain and so I guess he felt bad and decided to cuddle with me longer. I spooned against him and slept really well. When he was leaving he gave me a great hug and said "see ya later" or "until next time"-whatever his standard exit is. I really hope that he and I can continue being intimate friends with one another because I can't handle not having him in my life. I don't know if our relationship is healthy or not but I do need him and I think he needs me as well. I don't hate him at all.
Now this I won't admit to him but I kind of want to get pregnant again as soon as possible. When I win the mega lottery tonight, I probably will! Money won't be an issue then! I don't like these doggone birth control pills they gave me and I'm getting mixed information about how long I have to wait before having sex again, plus the antibiotics might mess with the pill's effectiveness! I just don't know what to do. I have a feeling Brown and I are just going to go back to our regular ways but he might just surprise me and buy condoms, which neither of us like very much. I'll let whatever happens happen but I may have to quit these pills. I do know that if I were to get pregnant again, I wouldn't have another abortion. I just CANNOT go through that again!

Empty

I feel so empty. I slept well, but I went to sleep crying and I wake up crying. Physically, aside from a few sharp pains on my right side, I am doing surprisingly well, But my heart aches so badly that I just don't see how I'm going to continue on with my life. Part of me wants another baby RIGHT AWAY to make up for the one I ..... But I can't take care of a baby at this point in my life so I know better. I just want to die. I want Brown to call me and come over and comfort me but I know that isn't going to happen. Maybe one day I will be blessed with a wonderful husband and children but since I don't know when that will be, I'm not even going to think about it. I want to be with Brown but he doesn't want me I know so I just would be hurting myself even more. I do have a reason to call him on Friday since that is his birthday, but I wonder will he call me to see how I am? I miss him and I miss my child. I hope that God heals me because I don't see how I can continue to live like this-the pain is just too much to bear.

8 week 1 day angel

Despite all my tears, arguments and non-compliance, Brown and I terminated our pregnancy today. I didn't think they would have done it since I didn't speak with the doctor beforehand, but they did. I do have to say that everyone that was there was really nice and it was lovely to have a volunteer there to hold my hand and wipe my tears since Brown couldn't go into that room with me. I'm cramping and sad as hell. I did get an ultrasound picture copy so I could see my baby, but that just hurts me even worse. I really fucked up my emotional state with this. I should have never have allowed myself to get pregnant and think that Brown would want the baby. I was so damn delusional. So now I have this over my heart forever, not to mention the fact that he said that we weren't a couple-just fuck buddies. THAT cut me worse than the procedure itself!!! But I was the delusional one-but how does he justify having unprotected sex with someone for nearly four years and NOT have feelings for them??? I feel so used and shitty...And my little baby died because of me. I hope that God trusts me enough to bless me with other healthy children one day because if this was it then I don't have a reason to live anymore. My heart just hurts and my womb is empty...what the hell is wrong with me???

8 Weeks

Well, I believe I made my decision. I'm keeping my baby. I told Brown and he gently flipped out and got off the phone. I know we're broke and I know we have no support, but damn this is a LIFE!!!! I know it was wrong to wait until the last minute to tell him and for that I am sorry, but when he got to going on about how his plans in life weren't going to happen and what would I do if he wasn't around, it kinda ticked me off. He wasn't violently angry and he did apologize for sounding selfish but why is it always about him? He's had it easy with me for damn near four years and what about what I want? Don't I count for something??? And when I told him that if he wasn't around, I would survive, I don't think he liked the sound of that. But let's face it-I really don't picture him in the picture!!! I guess its my way of preserving myself from getting hurt again. In a perfect world I would love for us to be together and happily raise our child, but I don't kid myself. I don't know how all of this is going to work out, but I have to have faith and PRAY that it all works out. I just feel like shit, though... :(

7 Weeks

So I just made 7 weeks pregnant and the sickness has set in. I don't like it at all. I'm tired, scared, lonely and confused. I hate that I'm still living in this horrible motel and that I have no idea what is going to happen in 2011. Thankfully, Brown came over and we talked a lot. He makes a valid point about the fact that we just don't have the money, means or support to bring this child into the world. But every time I read about the abortion process, I break down crying. I just don't see how I'm going to go through with the procedure in about a week. It scares me shitless! I'm afraid of the pain and I'm afraid of how I'm going to feel afterward. I'm also afraid of any side effects I may have.
Although Brown was really sweet and tender and loving when we spent that evening together, I still hate to tell him that I just don't know how I'm going to do this. It isn't his body so he won't feel the loss like I will. He can move forward but I don't know if I will be able to. I love him so much and tragedy has always brought us closer, but I just don't want to have to tell him that I keep going back and forth on the issue.
Maybe something will happen to prevent us going to the abortion clinic. Maybe we won't have the money or maybe we won't have a way to get there or something. I don't know but I just have to have faith that God will make a way for this baby to come into the world and bless us with the means of taking care of it.

BFP

Oh wow! I have SO much to catch you up on! I slept with Papi on 11/24 and then found out that I'm pregnant by Brown on 11/30!!!! As you know, I have been trying and wanting to get pregnant with Brown's baby for the longest and it finally happened! I'm kind of mad because I was liking Papi and the sex with him was pretty good, and I wanted to explore that further. But now, I think we'll just remain friends. Brown has disappointed me b/c he says he is broke and cannot afford a baby. Logically, I know he's right and although I set up an appointment to terminate the pregnancy, I know I can't go thru with it. I haven't told him that yet and I'm sure he won't be happy. He kept apologizing but that's not what I want to hear. I want him to want this baby as much as I do, if not more. But he hasn't contacted me in a while so I am not going to contact him. I guess he needs time to get used to the idea that he got me pregnant. He asked me if I was on the pill when it happened and I lied and said that I was-no need to have him angry with me ;)
So hopefully Brown will contact me and we can talk and discuss things in person. I am not going to discuss this with my family until I talk more with Brown.
I can't believe he's behaving like this but I can't let it upset me or the baby.
Hopefully the blessing is on the way b/c we need it more now than ever!!