Me and my big mouth...

Well, I didn't have to worry about them running my car all around the weekend of my sister's graduation, seeing as though it was repossessed right before then. I feel like such a selfish dumbass...Now we're using my dad's truck and the family car and they both need work and correct tags on them. I just don't know what to do anymore...I pray that God makes a way because I cannot afford to get the necessary things as long as I have to pay for this extra motel room. I either need a better paying job or someone else to pay for the room. Now I don't know if and when we'll be getting an apartment if Salvation Army is in control, but I just hope they continue to pay for the main hotel room. I like having this room to myself and if we were to get an apartment, not only would I not have any privacy any longer, but I wouldn't have a car to leave in, but I might be able to save for one. I know that's me being selfish again and I'm sorry. I just can't help but think of the fun me and Brown have together in this room!
Speaking of Brown and fun, I'm not taking the Pill any longer and we've been going at it like rabbits in heat! I think I'm two days late with my period so I MIGHT be pregnant. Now if I am, I'll be due in Feb 2011. I hate odd years but I do like February. Now I know things may not go the way I want them to. Brown might get angry and want me to have an abortion, or he may not speak to me ever again-I could lose him. In light of everything else I've lost, losing him would hurt even more. But, if things go the way I would hope that they would, he would move me in with him and we would raise the child together. I just don't want him to feel trapped. I never want to hurt him, but I need a home and I do love him! And if he was dead set on not having a kid, he'd wear condoms! But he does pull out as soon has he can but we all know the pull-out method isn't 100% effective. Anyway, we'll see what happens. All I know now is that I have been feeling a bit weird lately, but that could be due to PMS. I had a fever for two days but took care of that with Thera-Flu. My nipples are now sore and my tummy is a bit queasy but I know I've had these symptoms before with PMS so I'm not going to take a test until I'm at least a week late from my period. I just wish that something will go my way for once, but when its all said and done, God's way is the way that will prevail. If he wants me and Brown to have a kid, He'll make it happen when its supposed to, with Brown being excited.

Graduation

Ok, so I am very excited about my sister graduating college. In light of all that we have lost, it is such a blessing to know that something went right. However, this now means that she's going to be in the hotel with us. This place isn't big enough to cuss a cat in so I'm going to rent another room. I just hope that the church will continue to pay for the primary room because I'm not sure if I can carry both rooms. And although I love my sister dearly, she does whine alot and I really don't want to hear that. I just hope that God blesses us with a home and lots of money because this is no way to live. I also pray that I get a better job and I don't lose this one that I have. So I'm going to try and not get pissy and instead pray whenever I get to feeling angry. And I won't lie to you-I don't want my car used all the time. I don't like being this way but then again, I can't let them get tickets. I want to get their car fixed so that the insurance and stickers can be updated. Anyway, I just can't wait until God delivers my family. I feel so trapped and crazy!
What I really want is for my family to be sufficient without me so that I can live with Brown and begin a new life with him. I don't even know if that's what he wants but if I don't have hope in that, then I don't have hope in much of anything. And I really don't want to trap him with a kid because he says he isn't ready and I don't want him talking to me about an abortion because I WONT do it! So I'm taking the pill although it does give me uncomfortable side effects. I've only missed one pill but I am still bleeding and I am angry about that. But what can I do but buy more tampons and pads? I have no control and have lost so much that if I knew for certain that I could do something right to have Brown as my own forever, I would do it. And all that I know to do is to not get pregnant until he says he is ready, even if he says he doesn't want kids until he's 40. But if things get better for us financially, I'm sure he'd be more amendable if a little "surprise" occured. I just don't know what to do sometimes so I just wear myself out and pray that there is more out there for me and my loved ones.

The Pill

Ok, so me and Brown are back right after the birthday fiasco. I mean, what else can I do-just not speak to him or see him? Hell No! Not when I don't have any other outlets and joy in my life! So I chose to deal and move on. Now, I've started the pill again and we had sex but it wasn't fruitful, if you get my drift. But now at work, three girls are pregnant and I admit, I feel left out. I don't want a kid born in an odd year but I do want kids. But Brown isn't ready, although his new nephew does put a smile on his face. I dunno...I guess I'll just continue on the pill until I run out and whatever happens, happens. I might just get accidentally pregnant one day and be happy but then again, maybe not. I just want a happy life with Brown. I want to see him everyday. I want to wake up next to him every morning and I want to go to bed with him every night. I don't think that's too much to ask. I dunno...I get all emotional when it comes to him and I don't always take his life and desires into consideration. But I hope that one day soon this part of my life will come to be. I do love him so much!

It's A Boy!!!

Well, Brown's nephew was born on my birthday around 7, 8 in the evening, so that is why he missed my birthday, or so he says. He got so excited that he dropped his phone in water and had to wait to get a replacement. Some of this makes logical sense, and some of it doesn't. So I have to decide whether or not I'm buying it. I guess I am letting him think that I am but come on! I could let this cloud our relationship but I won't. I'll just tuck this away with the other memories of times that he has ignored/forgotten/hurt me. One day, I'll have my say but I don't feel that day is here yet. And on that note, I started on the pill again. I just don't want a kid right now and neither does he. I am too angry (among other things) to want that in my life, and heaven knows it wouldn't be fair to the kid. I did ask him what would he want to do IF we accidentally got pregnant and he was all like "Is there something you want to tell me?!?" I told him no of course, but you know I didn't tell him that I hadn't been on the pill for 2 1/2 months. He said that back in the day, he might have been ok but now with things as raggedy for us as they are, he wasn't too sure about things. But I know I couldn't have an abortion, regardless of how sad my life is. An abortion would make my present AND future sad, but if I had the kid, I would at LEAST have the option of having hope in the future for my child. But now that I'm on the pill again, we wont ever have to make that decision. We'll have kids in six years. Now the question I want to have is when will we get married....

Another year older...

Well, as of April 30, 2010, I am now 28 years old. Brown and I were supposed to hook up but he never got in contact with me and then called me at 8am the next morning, knowing I wouldn't answer. I cried that night but strangely, I'm over it now. It hurt but I have so many other things that make me cry that Brown gets my tears no longer. And I got my period today, a few days early so no baby for us, and its probably for the best. I'm still debating about whether or not I'm gonna start back on the pill or not. I don't think I will because my body feels good not being on it. If I decide to get back with Brown, then I'll start taking the pill again. I've got to deal with other things, mainly making money. I can tell its time for me to move along from this job-too much jealousy from the old bitches. So far the younger crowd is ok, but I need to move on before things get worse. Hopefully, something will come around soon. Until then, I will smile and work overtime and do my job so that I can help my family. And I'll deal with Brown if and when I feel like it. Thank God for books and sleep!