Graduation

Ok, so I am very excited about my sister graduating college. In light of all that we have lost, it is such a blessing to know that something went right. However, this now means that she's going to be in the hotel with us. This place isn't big enough to cuss a cat in so I'm going to rent another room. I just hope that the church will continue to pay for the primary room because I'm not sure if I can carry both rooms. And although I love my sister dearly, she does whine alot and I really don't want to hear that. I just hope that God blesses us with a home and lots of money because this is no way to live. I also pray that I get a better job and I don't lose this one that I have. So I'm going to try and not get pissy and instead pray whenever I get to feeling angry. And I won't lie to you-I don't want my car used all the time. I don't like being this way but then again, I can't let them get tickets. I want to get their car fixed so that the insurance and stickers can be updated. Anyway, I just can't wait until God delivers my family. I feel so trapped and crazy!
What I really want is for my family to be sufficient without me so that I can live with Brown and begin a new life with him. I don't even know if that's what he wants but if I don't have hope in that, then I don't have hope in much of anything. And I really don't want to trap him with a kid because he says he isn't ready and I don't want him talking to me about an abortion because I WONT do it! So I'm taking the pill although it does give me uncomfortable side effects. I've only missed one pill but I am still bleeding and I am angry about that. But what can I do but buy more tampons and pads? I have no control and have lost so much that if I knew for certain that I could do something right to have Brown as my own forever, I would do it. And all that I know to do is to not get pregnant until he says he is ready, even if he says he doesn't want kids until he's 40. But if things get better for us financially, I'm sure he'd be more amendable if a little "surprise" occured. I just don't know what to do sometimes so I just wear myself out and pray that there is more out there for me and my loved ones.