Out with the old...

Well, it's the end of the year and I am GLAD!!!! 2009 was filled with pain for us and we deserve a fresh start. Brown has me both feeling great and pissed as hell with him, but I guess that's just the way things are. Unexpectedly, my old, dear friend Lowdown contacted me on Christmas day and it felt so good to talk to him! I'm still afraid that we'll be on the streets in little less than 2 weeks but what can I do? I can only pray that God has other plans for us. Maybe one of our lotto tickets will hit and we'll be rich! At the very least, I pray that we can hold on long enough for my phone to stay on so that I can get a call to interview and then land that SSA job I really want. Then, with that blessing, I can work on getting my family into a decent place to leave. But now I just pray that whatever happens, its God's will. I really don't think that He wants us hungry, dirty, and cold on the streets but who am I to guess his plans? All I know is that what will be, will be. My biggest wish is for my family to win the lotto and be financially secure for the rest of our days. My secondary wish is for me to land that job I truly want in order to support us all. Another thing I want is a child and that my actually happen this upcoming year, due to the fact that until I get a permanent place to live, I can no longer receive free women's health care. That means no more pills and I don't think I'm telling Brown...well, I may but I'll cross that road when I get to it. If a child is in the picture, I just pray that Brown wants it and that both me and the child are healthy and happy. But like I said, what will be will be in 2010. It's all God's will.

Terminated

So, two days after the accident, my dad's job terminated him. My heart goes out to him because I know he's hurting. Although that job caused him alot of physical pain and alot of stress, it was a job. I don't know how we're going to make it. I think we have enough money to stay in the motel until the new year, but I'm not quite sure. My sister doesn't make enough to pay for all of that, and even if my mother and I got jobs tomorrow, it would be two weeks at the earliest before we would get a paycheck and that's even if we'd make enough. So we bought alot of lottery tickets in hopes of winning. I wonder if Suga will help me out, cause I did tell him, but like with most men, I'd probably have to spell it out. Oh well. Ironically, when we were going thru this same crap 10 years ago, I was in communication with that crazy 3rd ward child as I am now, although I haven't paid her much attention in a week. I wonder if she's a curse...oh well, I can't worry or be concerned about any one else. This shit is tiresome so I truly hope and pray that God saves us. Its just too big of a situation for us to handle. I truly hope and pray that God hasn't forgotten about my family :(

Just When I Thought It Couldn't Get Any Worse...

Well, while I've been slinking around like a brood mare, things have taken a turn for the worst. My dad made a big mistake at work and he's suspended-they even escorted him off the premises! Now we don't know how long he's going to be suspended, and if he'll even have a job anymore. My heart aches for him. If we don't get any income soon, we're really gonna be in a bad situation. We don't have anywhere to go or any way of making money. No one seems to hire me and mom, and my sister doesn't make enough to keep us going. I'm just too worn out to even worry any longer. I don't know why my family has and still is suffering so much. It is not fair. I don't know what God is doing-I just hope He hasn't forgotten about us. I don't know if we'll even see 2010...enough is too much...I see why a parent takes the life of their family and then themselves. No one can handle the shame and pressure that comes without having any money. Unless God works a Christmas miracle, I don't think our family is going to survive :(

A Long Month Ahead...

Well, today begins the long month of my sister's winter break. I love her and my dad but having them both in the room is going to be stressful on me and my mom. I hope we all make it! I'll just dope myself with tea and Benadryl to sleep. In other news, the guy I call Suga is going to still be called that but only because he's sweet, not because of any money. I can't find it in me to ask him for anything, maybe because he has a child but then I'm growing to just enjoy him. Yeah we have sex but he is so so sweet! I totally did NOT see this coming. I'm not in a place in life for a relationship-what I have with Brown is decent enough, but this...I don't know, this just snuck up on me and I don't want to try to figure it out. I'll just go with the flow...I still love Brown, though...mostly, I want a job and my own place again. I want my family to have a home again. That's what I want for Christmas...and to get me and my mom's hair done, of course, lol!

Suga Daddy

So I ended up doing what I didn't want to do. I had sex with the potential suga daddy. I wanted to hold on to the good loving feeling I had with Brown but I just had to be greedy. But to the suga's credit, he was very mannerable and had a nice apartment, and did mention helping me out, which I never brought up. But he has a kid...I realized how old I was when I looked at the age of the kid but still, I did do what I think I had to do. I just hope it was worth my while. At least he used condoms...I don't know what to say about myself so I'm not going to say anything negative. I'll just roll with the punches. Oh well, at least the suga daddy is young and handsome and not some old geezer. I just hope I did the right thing...

BROWN!!!

This blog entry isn't even about the negative aspects of my life. No. It instead is about the good. And right now, the color of good is Brown. It seems like God has answered my prayers and brought Brown back to me. Although I don't want to seem negative but it kind of helps that Brown isn't in his apartment anymore either, and that he's struggling too. But perhaps he would be able to help me out financially if he were doing better, but wouldn't hold my breath. Anyway, I don't look to him for money, but to listen to me and to do those things to my body that no one else can do. He lit me up! And the little things he did, like the hugging and the kisses on my forehead made me feel so safe and loved!!!! The emotions that I felt with him made me realize that deep down, he does love me and that when things get better for the both of us, we'll be together in the way that I have dreamed of. He may be pudgy, but he's my pudgy man and I love him! And let's face it, the babies will be adorable!

But now I have to make a decision as to whether or not I'm gonna start an intimate relationship with that handsome hood guy so that I can get some money....I do need my hair done, and some clothes, so I guess I will, but I will do it safely or not at all because I want to be as pure as possible for my true love.