Despite all my tears, arguments and non-compliance, Brown and I terminated our pregnancy today. I didn't think they would have done it since I didn't speak with the doctor beforehand, but they did. I do have to say that everyone that was there was really nice and it was lovely to have a volunteer there to hold my hand and wipe my tears since Brown couldn't go into that room with me. I'm cramping and sad as hell. I did get an ultrasound picture copy so I could see my baby, but that just hurts me even worse. I really fucked up my emotional state with this. I should have never have allowed myself to get pregnant and think that Brown would want the baby. I was so damn delusional. So now I have this over my heart forever, not to mention the fact that he said that we weren't a couple-just fuck buddies. THAT cut me worse than the procedure itself!!! But I was the delusional one-but how does he justify having unprotected sex with someone for nearly four years and NOT have feelings for them??? I feel so used and shitty...And my little baby died because of me. I hope that God trusts me enough to bless me with other healthy children one day because if this was it then I don't have a reason to live anymore. My heart just hurts and my womb is empty...what the hell is wrong with me???
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