Moving Forward

I know it's been a while since I've written and I apologize. Ugh I don't even know where to begin. I still miss my child and ache with that decision, not to mention I feel so used by you-know-who. I said I wouldn't sleep with anyone else but I've been carrying on with Papi. The sex is getting better and better and we do it unprotected so there is a great chance I could get pregnant again. I know that's what I want, even though I'm scared to admit that and truly don't know what the hell I'm getting into. He does withdraw but that isn't always 100%. I know what I should do-get on birth control but seriously, everything available scares me to pieces! Hormonal is just too hormonal and non hormonal is too invasive. I wish I could just fuck him now...I just hope that if I do get pregnant by Papi, he wants me and the child, and that the child is healthy and beautiful...

I WAS happy but...

Well, I finally got a chance to not only speak to Slidell over the phone, but I GOT TO SEE HIM IN PERSON!!! We were going to meet at Jamba juice but I passed it up so we met at Baskin Robbins instead and that was for the best. He looks just like his photos, maybe a bit better. He's a tall goofy one, he is.He talks really fast, sort of stutters, and has a few crooked teeth, but they were whiter than mine, lol! He's around my skin tone and has lighter brown eyes than me. I couldn't see his hair because he was wearing a hat so I'll find that out next time we see each other. Our conversation had no flow, but he smelled incredible!! He hugged me twice and I was happy. I can really get into him because he is so sweet. He says he is a virgin, which is shocking, but I honestly am not interested in a sexual relationship with anyone at this point in my life. And if he wants to wait, I am fine with that. Sex adds too much pressure to the relationship anyway, and I want to know what its like to be in a relationship where BOTH people are in love with EACH OTHER, and let that love be expressed physically when the time is right. I know I may be jumping the gun with him but can you blame me? I want to be happy and have a life to live. But its hard knowing that he's a virgin and I've been with 20+ men (although I will only tell him of two), I have tattoos, he doesn't, he has good credit and is good with money-I don't even know if I have credit and money is tight....smh I feel so inadequate but should I not see this through? I'm not sure what to do...
My sis on the other hand, has been involved with an afrikaan online, and has somehow given him her passport info. I feel bad that I went thru her email but I had her permission!!! And she knows this is wrong!!! I just hope this does not negatively effect her life, her job, our lives, and our jobs. I'm so scared I don't know what to do!!! I just want my family to be safe and financially stable. I'm so tired that I'm not sure if I can even adequately love another person...maybe I should start doing some type of exercising before I lose my mind...

Will I hurt forever?

I realize now that the pain of my abortion and betrayal will probably always be with me. I want to move on and be happy but how can I? My heart hurts too deeply. I wish I kept my baby because then I would have a purpose; a reason to fight. But then again I know bringing a child into these circumstances wouldn't have been fair to anyone and it would have been selfish on my part. I know the most logical thing for me to do is to find someone who really loves me, marries me, and wants to have a family with me. But sometimes I just don't know what to do because the pain is just too much. I can't share it with anyone and that what hurts the most. I'm probably suffering with PMS right now which is making me emotional. I wish none of this had ever happened. I'm tired of crying and living in shame. I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

Gotta get over this

So finding out Brown is a married man now has REALLY broken my heart. He had so many opportunities to tell me and he didn't. I truly feel like a fool. None of this for the past two years had to happen, including the abortion. I want answers from him but I know I'll never get them. I want God to remove him from my heart. I'm so sick over this I'm embarrassed. I can't eat and all I want to do is sleep and cry. Thankfully I had Friday off from work so that helped me out. And I got online in an attempt to meet another guy and I may be on to something but I don't want to speak too soon. I just wish I wasn't so gullible. and I really pray that God delivers my family because I have hit rock bottom and I just can't take any of this any longer. I just want the pain to end.

Married Bastard

So now I know why Brown never did right by me-he's married. Yup, I just found out. That's the internet for you-it is a bitch. I don't even know what to say or think. I thought I was it but I guess not. Now I know I can move on. My soul hurts, my child is dead but now I know. God gave me the closure I wanted and I can't ask for more than that. Now I just ask for the strength to find my own happiness.

End of the month...

So here it is, the end of January. On one hand, I feel a bit stronger-I know I had my abortion for the right reasons but there is a part of me that misses my baby and wants another one badly. I miss Brown as well. He hasn't contacted me at all and I just don't know what to think. I know I should move on and I will, but I still want him. I pray that I have the strength to deal with my emotions but it is hard. I need closure because I don't know if he just doesn't want me period, or if he is going through one of his spells where he doesn't want to be bothered. I have a feeling that once I get him out of my system, that will be when he shows up again. But if he does, I'm going to have to let him know that I can't be used like I have been any longer. He has to either care for me or leave me alone. I'm just tired of mourning my baby and him. It isn't fair. And now I find myself buying things to make me feel better. This isn't healthy but what can I do? And should I get online and meet guys? It just doesn't feel right. Do I go out with other guys? That doesn't feel completely right either. I'm going to try and wait to be celibate until I meet someone special-its high time for me to try that road for once. And I know if Brown shows up again I'm going to sleep with him, but I haven't made up my mind if I'm going back on the pill again or not. What's the point if I'm not sexually active? But then again, who knows when that moment could happen and I know I can't have a child right now, even thought that's what I want. But if I can have Brown back, I will take the pill again.

Still feeling empty...

So its right at four weeks since my abortion, and I still feel empty. I have moments where I feel ok or I don't think about it at all, but then other times it hits me and knocks me down. I would be 12weeks today if I had kept my baby. I miss him so much its like my heart got ripped out too. I just can't help but imagine him crawling around and saying "Mama" and I just know he would have been beautiful, with a round face, dark hair, slanted eyes, and a fat chubby body. I know this wasn't the right time to bring a child into the world and I know I shouldn't want another one, but I do. Its like I know I won't be complete until I get pregnant again. I want to hold my child on my chest as I pat his little back. I want to feel his love as I give him mine. That seems to be my biggest problem-I have no outlet for my emotions, including all this love I have for my child. If Brown would have just been more comforting, it would help but I now know that he just doesn't care. And I know it is wrong, but if I had the chance, I would sleep with him again and get pregnant again and keep my child. I wouldn't even tell him. But when I think about how that would make the child feel, I reconsider my motive. A child should be loved and wanted by both parents, and if Brown doesn't want me, how can I expect him to want my child? I have a fantasy about meeting the perfect guy but who knows how long that would take? Not to mention the absolute mess my life is right now. It just doesn't make any damn sense to be this destitute, sad and lonely. I don't have anything and I'm tired of it. I want a home, a car, money, insurance, my degree, a great man, and babies. Why doesn't God give me the simple things? Fuck my life. I'm just so tired of it all that I don't know how to continue. I feel like used shit.