Ah Crap!

Ok, I had two interviews and testing yesterday for three different jobs, and I feel pretty good about that, except for the fact that I have to wait at least 2 weeks before I hear from anyone. My phone bill is due and there isn't any money to pay it. Then I learn that my dad's job is going to shut down for 2 weeks and I'm not sure if they're gonna pay him for that time. If he doesn't get paid, we have no where to go. And we didn't win the lottery tonight. I realize that there are just way too many things that are bigger than me and I cannot worry about them. God usually makes a way and I have to trust that this is going to be one of those times. He made a way for my sister to go to school, and that time we didn't have the money to stay it turns out that we had been in the room for a month so we were covered for a week. So God stepped in those times and I have to believe that He'll step in again. I'm just so tired of not knowing what the next day is going to bring for me and my family. I just want us to be forever delivered from the financial bondage that we've been in nearly all my life. I want my parents to have the home of their dreams and I want the home of my dreams as well. I want us to live again. I miss living and enjoying life. But I just don't have the strength to cry and worry anymore. God knows what is going on and He has to do something, or else there is no us. I just cannot believe all that we've been through! It can't all be for naught! IT JUST CAN'T BE!!!!

A Bit of Hope...

Well, I have a bit of hope. I've gotten called for two interviews and to go to testing. That's a total of 3 separate jobs! Now two are part time and one of those is on campus. It was ok until I heard from a full time position at a hospital. THAT's the job I really want! I need to make some real money so that I don't have to worry about my dad paying my bills and all the other needs that I need to have met. Like now, my phone company wants their full total but my dad thinks that it should be fine, since he gave me money two weeks ago. He's not realizing that that was late! I hate being under someone elses' thumb! And I'm ready to get my own place again...I know that will take a while and I will still help my mom and sister but if I at least begin to make some money, I could have a plan. I just hope that I get that job and can do it well...but there I go again, leaping and jumping before i know anything concrete, smh...But sitting here with my dad eating oatmeal with the bathroom door open with the room smelling like pee isn't working for me!!!! Plus, I gotta get my hair done before or around the time that damned movie comes out. Now my mom wants me to have that job on campus and focus on going back to school but I told her that I'd prefer the full time hospital job b/c it was a job for someone with a degree, plus there is NO WAY I'm going back to school until I get my own place again! The student loan people can get in line with everyone else! Plus, I want my job to pay for my education, ha!
Anyway, I'm just going to give it all to God, again, because I truly don't have a choice. I can't deal with all this without His help.

2 Years Ago Today...

Ok, two years ago today, October 5th, I signed my first lease...I don't know what to say or how to explain my feelings, if there are any. I just thought it was worth mentioning...I had fun with the old bff on Saturday night, but it also was bittersweet because yet again, I'm reminded of what I'm missing out on. I don't have the strength or the mindset to argue and complain in this post. What will be, will be.

Damn! October Already?!?!?!?!?

Well, yes, today is 10/01/09 and we are still in this damned room. No jobs for me and Mama yet and everyone is attacking each other verbally. At the end of the month, I wanted to be able to throw my annual Halloween party but it looks like that isn't going to happen. I guess there isn't going to be any kind of happiness for my family. Sure my sister being in school is great and my dad working just enough to keep us in this room and with food is better than having nothing at all, but still. I just don't understand what has happened to my family. I'm not even going to look forward to anything anymore because I don't get anything except my feelings hurt. I'm tired of this on so many levels...whatever God wants to do with me and my family is fine. I'm done. I'm exhausted and depressed, hurt and confused, angry and pissed off. I can't fight any longer. Its all whatever from now on.