Headaches & Heartbreaks

Well, I survived my first full week of work at the university and so far, so good. I enjoy the peace that comes with being on campus again, but I do miss the drama of the daycare, plus my friends there. I wish I could babysit the infants I cared for but without my own transportation, I know that won't happen. The family car needs so much work done on it, plus my mom's tickets need to be paid. Then there is the rooms and food and gas and just so much fucking stress that I don't know how I can get up in the mornings. I've been in a real funk lately-I guess its just too much on my shoulders. Brown just "comes" and leaves, which breaks my heart. I'm still going to try and get pregnant this week if I can because I just need something positive to look forward to, plus I want Brown. I know I'm being selfish but lets face it-the right way just doesn't work, so I gotta play the hand that was dealt to me. I hate this life, I truly do.

Friday the 13th!

Well, for me, this Friday the 13th was a good day. It was my 1st day at my new job at the University and I was SO DAMN HAPPY to get away from the daycare! Ironically, everyone was very supportive of my new job and for that I am thankful. I gave a few people my number but I truly hope they don't call me. The two people I was looking forward to telling off weren't there on my last day so I guess it wasn't meant for me to act ignorant.
So my first day of work at the new job was kind of hectic because the woman who is training me is going on vacation for two weeks and I am very nervous about holding things down while she's gone. I pray that God helps me to do well because I really want this job to turn into a permanet position for me. So far, I do get bored alot because there is alot of downtime and I'm too new to know what else I could be doing with my time. But it sure beats someone coming by saying stupid stuff about overtime to me!
I told Brown about my new job and I know he was happy for me but then again he was in a mood so that conversation didn't last too long. He did come by in the wee hours of the morning on Saturday and got his oral fix. I was so happy to see him but I really wish he could have stayed longer. He brought BJ too which was funny. I love Brown so much! I wish I could have him all to myself for 24hrs... maybe one day.
I am just happy for this positive event in my family's life. We needed this change and I pray that more positive things are coming our way soon.

Eight, Nine, Ten!

Well, I'm excited about Wednesday but nervous too. I miss my old life but realize that I've probably outgrown it. I miss having a home and my own transportation, but I am thankful to still have the family car and a roof over our heads. I want Brown and I to take the next step in our relationship, but I know that neither he nor I have the financial means to take care of ourselves, let alone each other or a family. I get nervous, excited, scared, angry, hurt, frustrated, pissed, tired, lonely, and depressed. Some days I have it all together and other days, I just want to bury my head under the covers. I NEED positive change and so does my family. I don't know how much longer we can hold on and I am SO tired of the emotional roller coaster this life of poverty and homelessness causes. I just want to scream sometimes. I know my problems are not as bad as others, but then again, they are huge problems nontheless. I just want it to end-positively. I don't even ask why anymore because I realize that there will be no answer. I just pray for strength and wisdom, patience, and integrity because that's all I know how to do at this point. I really don't want our lives to be in vain-this can't be the end for us, it just CANNOT end like this!

Office Manager??? Really?!

So just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. My mom got over $500 in tickets due to the tags being out on the car and not having insurance. I am just so sick of this shit! But then I got an email and found out that an office manager position is getting created in the same department my sister is leaving at the University and THEY WANT ME!!!! I am both confused and excited to the point of being sick to my stomach! If it all goes right Wednesday during the interview, I think I'll start this upcoming Monday, which means my last day at the daycare will be FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!! Which is what I wanted anyway. I didn't want to be caught in the new room and schedule changes and now it looks like I won't be! Plus, I'm tired of the snide comments about overtime and all that damn drama-if you don't want me making the overtime, then get another person in that room! The only thing I need to figure out is how I'm going to tell who I need to tell that I won't be returning. I haven't had any horrible interaction with the Boss Lady like others have, so I sort of feel I owe her some kind of forewarning, but not too much because I don't want them to get rid of me before I'm ready. Well, after Wednesday, I'm going to look for some kind of sign. Part of me wants to tell that old "coordinator" off but then again, I need to be the bigger person and hold my head up high. Oh well...something is telling me that whatever goes down, I'll know how to react when I see it. But I won't lie-I'm twitching with excitement!!!!!

Well, never mind...

So I was all worked up about that job at the University but it turns out that all my apprehension was for naught-I didn't even get the job. I should've known something was up due to the fact that all of our communication was via email, no HR rep was there, and no other person from that department met with me. It sounds like an inside job and I was just interviewed just to play a patsy. My sister says that I'm not missing anything by not being around those nutty people and I know she's right, but I'm tired of the daycare and I need more money for my family. I have NO DAMN IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!!! I am just tired. So if taking care of other folks kids is what I'm supposed to do, fine. I won't fight it any longer. I'll just end up being another over-educated poor person, and I'll probably be a welfare mom soon too so whatever. At least I ate two free Whataburgers today so I'll be fine.

Nervous, much?

Well, the job I had applied and interviewed for at the University has been taken down from their website. I feel that I have the job but I must be honest: I'm nervous. I want it because I am tired of the day care and I need more pay for my family, but it is a change into something new and I hope that I can do it. My mother and sister have faith in me but I will admit that having faith in myself is coming harder than expected. I am going to pray on it because I need strength. I don't know why I'm at this crossroad-there were jobs that I have applied to in the past that I felt I had but I didn't get as far in the process as I have with this one, so I don't see what the problem is. I think its because this job is an actuality and its more personal since these are people my sister has worked with and its at my alma mater. But its for the same reasons why I SHOULDN'T be nervous. I dunno...I do know my time at the day care is running out-I can feel it. I just hope and pray that I get the call from the school in enough time. I'm not even going to get into the fact that there won't be any extra spending money on this check, plus the fact that these student loans are starting to scare me...I'm just tired of trying to make something out of nothing
On a brighter note, Brown is being so good to me emotionally...he's been showing more affection when we're together: expressing concern about my safety, extra-long hugs, squeezing my hand, calling me sweetie, and not tripping when I said that I had purchased a pregnancy test. I really think that when things get better for us, he is going to want to move our relationship to the next level. I love him so much! I believe that after August, I'm going to get on some type of birth control because I want Brown to love and want me for me, and not because of a sense of obligation. And I don't want to be a burden to him-I want to be a helpmate. I hope he knows how much I care for him and how much I love having him being a part of my life.