Out with the old...

Well, it's the end of the year and I am GLAD!!!! 2009 was filled with pain for us and we deserve a fresh start. Brown has me both feeling great and pissed as hell with him, but I guess that's just the way things are. Unexpectedly, my old, dear friend Lowdown contacted me on Christmas day and it felt so good to talk to him! I'm still afraid that we'll be on the streets in little less than 2 weeks but what can I do? I can only pray that God has other plans for us. Maybe one of our lotto tickets will hit and we'll be rich! At the very least, I pray that we can hold on long enough for my phone to stay on so that I can get a call to interview and then land that SSA job I really want. Then, with that blessing, I can work on getting my family into a decent place to leave. But now I just pray that whatever happens, its God's will. I really don't think that He wants us hungry, dirty, and cold on the streets but who am I to guess his plans? All I know is that what will be, will be. My biggest wish is for my family to win the lotto and be financially secure for the rest of our days. My secondary wish is for me to land that job I truly want in order to support us all. Another thing I want is a child and that my actually happen this upcoming year, due to the fact that until I get a permanent place to live, I can no longer receive free women's health care. That means no more pills and I don't think I'm telling Brown...well, I may but I'll cross that road when I get to it. If a child is in the picture, I just pray that Brown wants it and that both me and the child are healthy and happy. But like I said, what will be will be in 2010. It's all God's will.

Terminated

So, two days after the accident, my dad's job terminated him. My heart goes out to him because I know he's hurting. Although that job caused him alot of physical pain and alot of stress, it was a job. I don't know how we're going to make it. I think we have enough money to stay in the motel until the new year, but I'm not quite sure. My sister doesn't make enough to pay for all of that, and even if my mother and I got jobs tomorrow, it would be two weeks at the earliest before we would get a paycheck and that's even if we'd make enough. So we bought alot of lottery tickets in hopes of winning. I wonder if Suga will help me out, cause I did tell him, but like with most men, I'd probably have to spell it out. Oh well. Ironically, when we were going thru this same crap 10 years ago, I was in communication with that crazy 3rd ward child as I am now, although I haven't paid her much attention in a week. I wonder if she's a curse...oh well, I can't worry or be concerned about any one else. This shit is tiresome so I truly hope and pray that God saves us. Its just too big of a situation for us to handle. I truly hope and pray that God hasn't forgotten about my family :(

Just When I Thought It Couldn't Get Any Worse...

Well, while I've been slinking around like a brood mare, things have taken a turn for the worst. My dad made a big mistake at work and he's suspended-they even escorted him off the premises! Now we don't know how long he's going to be suspended, and if he'll even have a job anymore. My heart aches for him. If we don't get any income soon, we're really gonna be in a bad situation. We don't have anywhere to go or any way of making money. No one seems to hire me and mom, and my sister doesn't make enough to keep us going. I'm just too worn out to even worry any longer. I don't know why my family has and still is suffering so much. It is not fair. I don't know what God is doing-I just hope He hasn't forgotten about us. I don't know if we'll even see 2010...enough is too much...I see why a parent takes the life of their family and then themselves. No one can handle the shame and pressure that comes without having any money. Unless God works a Christmas miracle, I don't think our family is going to survive :(

A Long Month Ahead...

Well, today begins the long month of my sister's winter break. I love her and my dad but having them both in the room is going to be stressful on me and my mom. I hope we all make it! I'll just dope myself with tea and Benadryl to sleep. In other news, the guy I call Suga is going to still be called that but only because he's sweet, not because of any money. I can't find it in me to ask him for anything, maybe because he has a child but then I'm growing to just enjoy him. Yeah we have sex but he is so so sweet! I totally did NOT see this coming. I'm not in a place in life for a relationship-what I have with Brown is decent enough, but this...I don't know, this just snuck up on me and I don't want to try to figure it out. I'll just go with the flow...I still love Brown, though...mostly, I want a job and my own place again. I want my family to have a home again. That's what I want for Christmas...and to get me and my mom's hair done, of course, lol!

Suga Daddy

So I ended up doing what I didn't want to do. I had sex with the potential suga daddy. I wanted to hold on to the good loving feeling I had with Brown but I just had to be greedy. But to the suga's credit, he was very mannerable and had a nice apartment, and did mention helping me out, which I never brought up. But he has a kid...I realized how old I was when I looked at the age of the kid but still, I did do what I think I had to do. I just hope it was worth my while. At least he used condoms...I don't know what to say about myself so I'm not going to say anything negative. I'll just roll with the punches. Oh well, at least the suga daddy is young and handsome and not some old geezer. I just hope I did the right thing...

BROWN!!!

This blog entry isn't even about the negative aspects of my life. No. It instead is about the good. And right now, the color of good is Brown. It seems like God has answered my prayers and brought Brown back to me. Although I don't want to seem negative but it kind of helps that Brown isn't in his apartment anymore either, and that he's struggling too. But perhaps he would be able to help me out financially if he were doing better, but wouldn't hold my breath. Anyway, I don't look to him for money, but to listen to me and to do those things to my body that no one else can do. He lit me up! And the little things he did, like the hugging and the kisses on my forehead made me feel so safe and loved!!!! The emotions that I felt with him made me realize that deep down, he does love me and that when things get better for the both of us, we'll be together in the way that I have dreamed of. He may be pudgy, but he's my pudgy man and I love him! And let's face it, the babies will be adorable!

But now I have to make a decision as to whether or not I'm gonna start an intimate relationship with that handsome hood guy so that I can get some money....I do need my hair done, and some clothes, so I guess I will, but I will do it safely or not at all because I want to be as pure as possible for my true love.

No Change, Really

Now I don't know what in the world (or outside of it) is going on. Brown is back (!), and I'm back good with my old bff. I'm happy for these things but why don't I get hired somewhere? I did all the interviewings for md anderson and it looks like they filled the position I truly wanted. Now what am I supposed to do?
I guess there is no point lamenting over things. I just have to continue forward. I've made up my mind that if a guy wants to help me, then I'm gonna let him. I'll see how things go with this new little guy. He is awfully handsome so doing him shouldn't be hard. I just wonder how much money he's sitting on...trickin. It is a shame but I NEED MONEY!!!!! We can't go into the new year like this-I just don't see how...where is God?

Ah Crap!

Ok, I had two interviews and testing yesterday for three different jobs, and I feel pretty good about that, except for the fact that I have to wait at least 2 weeks before I hear from anyone. My phone bill is due and there isn't any money to pay it. Then I learn that my dad's job is going to shut down for 2 weeks and I'm not sure if they're gonna pay him for that time. If he doesn't get paid, we have no where to go. And we didn't win the lottery tonight. I realize that there are just way too many things that are bigger than me and I cannot worry about them. God usually makes a way and I have to trust that this is going to be one of those times. He made a way for my sister to go to school, and that time we didn't have the money to stay it turns out that we had been in the room for a month so we were covered for a week. So God stepped in those times and I have to believe that He'll step in again. I'm just so tired of not knowing what the next day is going to bring for me and my family. I just want us to be forever delivered from the financial bondage that we've been in nearly all my life. I want my parents to have the home of their dreams and I want the home of my dreams as well. I want us to live again. I miss living and enjoying life. But I just don't have the strength to cry and worry anymore. God knows what is going on and He has to do something, or else there is no us. I just cannot believe all that we've been through! It can't all be for naught! IT JUST CAN'T BE!!!!

A Bit of Hope...

Well, I have a bit of hope. I've gotten called for two interviews and to go to testing. That's a total of 3 separate jobs! Now two are part time and one of those is on campus. It was ok until I heard from a full time position at a hospital. THAT's the job I really want! I need to make some real money so that I don't have to worry about my dad paying my bills and all the other needs that I need to have met. Like now, my phone company wants their full total but my dad thinks that it should be fine, since he gave me money two weeks ago. He's not realizing that that was late! I hate being under someone elses' thumb! And I'm ready to get my own place again...I know that will take a while and I will still help my mom and sister but if I at least begin to make some money, I could have a plan. I just hope that I get that job and can do it well...but there I go again, leaping and jumping before i know anything concrete, smh...But sitting here with my dad eating oatmeal with the bathroom door open with the room smelling like pee isn't working for me!!!! Plus, I gotta get my hair done before or around the time that damned movie comes out. Now my mom wants me to have that job on campus and focus on going back to school but I told her that I'd prefer the full time hospital job b/c it was a job for someone with a degree, plus there is NO WAY I'm going back to school until I get my own place again! The student loan people can get in line with everyone else! Plus, I want my job to pay for my education, ha!
Anyway, I'm just going to give it all to God, again, because I truly don't have a choice. I can't deal with all this without His help.

2 Years Ago Today...

Ok, two years ago today, October 5th, I signed my first lease...I don't know what to say or how to explain my feelings, if there are any. I just thought it was worth mentioning...I had fun with the old bff on Saturday night, but it also was bittersweet because yet again, I'm reminded of what I'm missing out on. I don't have the strength or the mindset to argue and complain in this post. What will be, will be.

Damn! October Already?!?!?!?!?

Well, yes, today is 10/01/09 and we are still in this damned room. No jobs for me and Mama yet and everyone is attacking each other verbally. At the end of the month, I wanted to be able to throw my annual Halloween party but it looks like that isn't going to happen. I guess there isn't going to be any kind of happiness for my family. Sure my sister being in school is great and my dad working just enough to keep us in this room and with food is better than having nothing at all, but still. I just don't understand what has happened to my family. I'm not even going to look forward to anything anymore because I don't get anything except my feelings hurt. I'm tired of this on so many levels...whatever God wants to do with me and my family is fine. I'm done. I'm exhausted and depressed, hurt and confused, angry and pissed off. I can't fight any longer. Its all whatever from now on.

Blast From The Past...

Well, all of a sudden I've been getting contacted by people from my past! It's kind of weird but good because I need more folks to socialize with when I get back on track. The main one I'm surprised I reconnected with is Crazy Christian! Seems like we've both been through a lot and it feels good to chat online with her. I can't wait to get back to my life. I'm so damn tired of not having any money, freedom, privacy, or independence. I know things could be much worse, and I am so greatful that they are not, but when Lord when will things change for the better? I am getting so depressed and despondent, and I'm very worried about my mother. We've tried job fairs and online applications and nothing has come to pass. The lottery is a joke and my dad is, well, I know he doesn't have a lot to work with but he doesn't have to be so snippy and rude about things. I just hate Hate HATE being dependent on him! I want my own money and my own place again! I miss my life! I am so angry that I just dont know what to do with myself at times! I'm not even sleeping well because of his snoring and my nerves. I was hoping he'd go back on the night shift but looks like we're getting 3 weeks straight of days. I hope God hasn't forgotten us. I know He has a lot of children that need Him but still...I dunno, I'm trying not to get sacrilege but I do have to express myself or I'll go crazy! Lord, don't forget us. I thank you for all that you have done for us and continue to do, but please deliver us out of this land of lack.

Ugh...

So, I haven't heard anything from any of the jobs I've applied to. I need money! My phone bill is due, the weather will be changing soon and I need clothes and I don't have SHIT! This is really pissing me off! I'm tired of not being able to eat what I want to eat and waiting on my dad to do stuff. I miss my independence. I'm angry at God because He isn't moving on my time which I know not to expect, but still...I really want out of this situation. I am so, so, so damn pissed! Listening to my dad whine and moan gets really old really quickly, especially now that he's on days. I much more prefer it when he's on nights: he doesn't talk much and then he's gone and then me and Mama get to enjoy what I call "slumber party time". Just the two of us. I am very thankful for the fact that my sister has her tuition for the year paid in full but what about me? I'm tired of my life passing me by without my permission. If this is what my life is supposed to be like, then I want no part of it. This is just too damn depressing. Well, back to my books and television shows. Seems like that's the only thing keeping me halfway sane, that, and the little shred of faith I still have left....

Peace...

Well, earlier today (actually yesterday if you want to get technical), I received a response to a job I had applied for only two days before! They asked me for a bit more information, including my resume and I should be hearing from them when they decide to conduct interviews! I'm trying not to get my hopes up like I always do about a job, and so far, I'm doing pretty well. I feel a sense of peace. I've been experiencing this peace for about two days now. I know its the Holy Spirit working within me. I know God hears my family's prayers and He does answer them in His own time. I have accepted that He will provide for all of our needs in due time. I place all my trust within Him and I know things will work out much better than if I tried to control things myself. My sis is in school, my parents are smiling, and so am I. So I will continue to pray for my family and friends. I wish everyone could experience this feeling. I'm going to keep my head up and remain positive and continue to pray for peace, wisdom, strength, and favor. What else do I have to do, lol!

Tired of Being Tired...

*sigh*...I'm so, so, so tired of this situation...I want my own place again, I want money, and I want space. It's hard as hell sharing one toilet with 3 other people. Don't give me wrong, I am thankful for having a roof over my head and I know the Lord worked a mighty miracle for us to be in this hotel, but I am still tired. I know we all are...I'm greatful that my sis is back on campus and attending school. And when my dad goes to work, Mom and I are comfortable. But with this weekend being a holiday weekend, everyone is going to be stuck in the room...
Another thing that is bothering me is that I don't understand why I can't get a job. I try and try but no luck. I guess God doesnt want me working. But He knows we need money! I get so despondent that I don't even want to wake up. If it wasn't for the internet and library books, I would've lost my mind weeks ago. We've been here a month! I miss my life! I don't understand why this happened, nor do I understand why it continues...I just want to scream but if I do, I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop. I really wish and hope that God hears and answers my family's prayers. We're barely getting by and we need a blessing so that we can be a blessing...Heaven help us!

I finally socialized!

Well, this past weekend, I finally went out and saw some friends. It was the first time I'd done that since the eviction and let me tell ya, it felt GOOD! I truly saw how much of a friend I am to people and how much they enjoy my company. I wish my sister had gotten out, since she turned 21 but that was her choice. But I truly found favor: I got to eat and got my car filled with gas plus more people are praying for me and my family. I sincerely hope that I can repay the favors one day. I'm also optimistic in the fact that I'm going to apply in person to a job on campus. No one is checking the email and I don't want that position to pass me by. My sister is in school now and I'm praying that she can stay and it would mean so much if she completes her degree and I gain employment at the university. I have alot of hope and that's due to the people that are truly my friends. They have been a true blessing for me and I understand now what the homily I heard in Mass was about. Sometimes you have to be humbled to rise.

So I had an interview...

So, about 12hrs ago I had a job interview. This is the first interview that I've had in over a year! I've had about two other interviews scheduled but when I researched the companies (which I should have done prior to scheduling the interviews), I found out that they were hacks. So you can imagine that I was nervous. I'm not sure how well I did on the skills test but I feel confident about the interview itself. I'm going to send out a thank-you note as soon as I can. I hope and pray that I get hired and if I don't, I pray that God gives me the strength to move forward. I truly want to help my family and get myself back into my own apartment. I found a nice place I want to move to and everything about it is great: makes my previous residence seem like a dump! But everything has a place...
...And so does everyone. I feel that I've outgrown one of my intimate guy friends. He was fun but I don't think I'll be getting naked with him again anytime soon...I don't like him like I like Brown. Now Brown and I haven't spoken since my birthday but hopefully we'll reconnect. I know he's going through his own issues but I hope he hasn't found anyone new. I miss him but I don't want him to know about my present hardship. I can wait until I'm back on my feet. But I'm leaving Dread alone. I'll pay him and Baldy their money back of course, but I'm not interested in casual sex or dating someone I'm not serious about. It's time I grow up.

So I have an interview

Well, I'm still homeless but there is hope. I have a job interview this upcoming Monday. Now its with a company that I barely understand what it is that they do, and I'm not sure if I can do the work, but they did call me and set up an interview, so I won't question things. If its for me to do, I'm sure I'll be anointed and learn on the job. I want to help my family get back on its feet but seriously, my ultimate goal is to get my own place again. But I'll wait until everyone is settled. Thankfully, I didn't have to go the route I was planning on, but that job is still an option but its at the bottom of my list.

I want my family to be happy again and I really, really, really want my privacy and independence back. It will happen, by the grace of God and my own determination.

I can't remember

Ok, I'm not sure how many days it has been but it is nearing a month that my family and I have been homeless. I just don't understand this...We got a hotel room for a few days, then went to live with my uncle for about 2.5 weeks. It was ok, except that he lives way out in nowhere, he has roaches, we had to sleep on the floor, and his dog kept scratching. Now we're in an extended-stay hotel but I hear we don't have enough money for another week....I don't know what to do...we'll, I have an idea but I hope it pans out in enough time. I don't want to jinx it by speaking (or typing) it, so I'll just keep my mouth closed...wish me luck!

So, we got evicted...now what?

So today begins the 1st day of me and my family being homeless. "Homeless?" you ask, "Then how (and why) are you writing a blog?" Well, that's easy. Since the four of us couldn't decide on where to go, we decided to hang out at the university me and my sis attend. I might be homeless but I still have my laptop (for the time being). I don't know why this happened to my fam. We go to church every week, we are invovled in different ministries at church, we don't bother anyone and we are good people...just good poor people I guess...Anyway, we don't know where we're spending the night: we are trying to figure that out now...please pray for us!