So its right at four weeks since my abortion, and I still feel empty. I have moments where I feel ok or I don't think about it at all, but then other times it hits me and knocks me down. I would be 12weeks today if I had kept my baby. I miss him so much its like my heart got ripped out too. I just can't help but imagine him crawling around and saying "Mama" and I just know he would have been beautiful, with a round face, dark hair, slanted eyes, and a fat chubby body. I know this wasn't the right time to bring a child into the world and I know I shouldn't want another one, but I do. Its like I know I won't be complete until I get pregnant again. I want to hold my child on my chest as I pat his little back. I want to feel his love as I give him mine. That seems to be my biggest problem-I have no outlet for my emotions, including all this love I have for my child. If Brown would have just been more comforting, it would help but I now know that he just doesn't care. And I know it is wrong, but if I had the chance, I would sleep with him again and get pregnant again and keep my child. I wouldn't even tell him. But when I think about how that would make the child feel, I reconsider my motive. A child should be loved and wanted by both parents, and if Brown doesn't want me, how can I expect him to want my child? I have a fantasy about meeting the perfect guy but who knows how long that would take? Not to mention the absolute mess my life is right now. It just doesn't make any damn sense to be this destitute, sad and lonely. I don't have anything and I'm tired of it. I want a home, a car, money, insurance, my degree, a great man, and babies. Why doesn't God give me the simple things? Fuck my life. I'm just so tired of it all that I don't know how to continue. I feel like used shit.
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