So I survived my first week back to work but barely. The mornings were especially hard and it was hell when people asked how my holiday was. What am I supposed to say, "Oh I got an abortion for Christmas"? The whole ordeal was so damn stressful that it makes me sick. I finally stopped bleeding which is a big step in the right direction. Still haven't heard from Brown. I hate that I love him so deeply but he doesn't feel the same way about me. I know I should just move on but I can't. I need him. I miss my child and I can't stand mourning both of them at the same time. Part of me wants to get pregnant again by him right away while another part of me knows I should wait until I finish with school. I am so mixed up right now that the only thing that sounds good is benadryl and alcohol. I just want all this pain to end. I'm tired of being homeless, carless, poor and sad. I deserve some form of happiness in my life and I just don't understand why I don't have that. I am glad that I got a raise and am benefit eligible at work (although I won't get them until like July or something) but damn I still have to take care of my family. My mom says its time for us to move into a furnished apartment but I know I don't want to live with my family again. I just don't think I'm emotionally ready. I know the last time I was this selfish I lost my car so I hope nothing like that happens again. I just want to buy a car and get my own place so I can be alone with my pain. I know I don't need a child right now. I just need to heal. But I am so fucking TIRED of being sad about my life!!!! I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of being alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment