So here it is, the end of January. On one hand, I feel a bit stronger-I know I had my abortion for the right reasons but there is a part of me that misses my baby and wants another one badly. I miss Brown as well. He hasn't contacted me at all and I just don't know what to think. I know I should move on and I will, but I still want him. I pray that I have the strength to deal with my emotions but it is hard. I need closure because I don't know if he just doesn't want me period, or if he is going through one of his spells where he doesn't want to be bothered. I have a feeling that once I get him out of my system, that will be when he shows up again. But if he does, I'm going to have to let him know that I can't be used like I have been any longer. He has to either care for me or leave me alone. I'm just tired of mourning my baby and him. It isn't fair. And now I find myself buying things to make me feel better. This isn't healthy but what can I do? And should I get online and meet guys? It just doesn't feel right. Do I go out with other guys? That doesn't feel completely right either. I'm going to try and wait to be celibate until I meet someone special-its high time for me to try that road for once. And I know if Brown shows up again I'm going to sleep with him, but I haven't made up my mind if I'm going back on the pill again or not. What's the point if I'm not sexually active? But then again, who knows when that moment could happen and I know I can't have a child right now, even thought that's what I want. But if I can have Brown back, I will take the pill again.
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